While in a relationship, everyone has needs and desires.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I’m a firm advocate that we should be clear on our wants and needs in a relationship, as long as it’s in balance.
Let’s talk a bit about neediness in this article.
The topic of neediness or clinginess is an important topic when it comes to relationships. If you’re a person who tends to be needy and clingy, it can have a negative effect on your partner and your relationship. It can push them away, cause arguments, and could even cause a breakup.
If you’re extremely clingy or needy in a relationship, you could have learned codependent ways of relating growing up.
Codependency is typically when a person seeks to find fulfillment through another person. Those who relate codependently tend to need attention in order to feel secure. They’ve adopted an insecure style of relating, usually in childhood.
If you’re codependent, you have the tendency to be insecure, jealous, controlling, and needy. It may seem like you never get enough attention and it can really cause some relationships struggles.
Now, before you start feeling badly about yourself, I want to let you know that if you’re struggling with this type of relating, it’s usually because of childhood neglect or trauma.
For one reason or another, you didn’t form a secure bond with your caregiver(s), and this caused some insecurity to surface throughout your life. I say this so that you can resist the urge to judge or shame yourself, because the reality is that you can learn to relate in better, healthier ways.
Heightened anxiousness is a sign of codependency.
A codependent person will do more than their share of tasks for her partner without being asked because they get a feeling of fulfillment when they are pleased. Oftentimes, this feeling can turn into resentment as well, because the codependent will do, do, do, and then feel angry because they never do anything in return.
It can turn into a vicious cycle.
Some jealousy is quite normal in a relationship. But if you are extremely jealous and have a difficult time allowing your partner to hang out with their friends or do things they enjoy, you’re most likely dealing with codependency.
Jealousy can really harm a relationship and if it is not worked through, can cause one to end.
If you have low self-esteem or self-worth, the insecurity you deal with as a result tends to affect the way you respond to your partner.
If you’re insecure, you will look toward your partner for security but when they are not there, you might feel scared and anxious. It’s like their presence becomes your security and without it you might feel alone or abandoned. Much of this could stem from childhood abandonment issues.
If you think you’re dealing with some extra neediness or codependency issues, perhaps you can see a counselor or join a codependent’s anonymous support group. Extreme neediness will not do you or your relationship any good. Take some time to work on yourself.
Get involved in some activities that you enjoy and read a good book on overcoming codependency.
There are several codependent authors that are highly respected in the field, like Pia Mellody or Melody Beattie. You may also want to look into the topic of anxious attachment styles.
You don’t have to live a life overly dependent upon others for your happiness. Start taking steps today to become free of extra neediness or codependency and take your relationship to new levels!
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