Being in a relationship with someone who is totally into you is one of the most wonderful things you can experience.
I think we can all agree that the honeymoon phase is the best, no matter how long it lasts. Whether you’ve been seeing them for a week or a year, they’re on your mind almost all the time, and you are on their mind too.
You spend quite a bit of time together, sharing a sense of passion and excitement that simply feels amazing.
Much of the time, we have to take our partner’s word for it that they are totally into us. Even when insecurity arises, we must be willing to look within to see where that anxiety is arising from – us or them.
If you’re wondering if your new guy or gal is really into you, or they’re just going through the motions, the following are some key things to help you get a clearer picture.
Is your partner only around during the fun, flirtatious, easy-breezy times of the relationship? Or do they disappear if you’re going through a tough time? If your partner is seriously committed and into you, they’ll stick around when the going gets tough too.
They’ll be able to show up and support you when you most need the support, even if they’re not that great at it.
In other words, they try to be there for you, even if they’re uncomfortable or just not that good at lending an ear or being present. The fact that they try matters.
Think back. Does your partner tune into you when you’re talking about a serious matter or stress you’re having at home or work? Do they tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic if you’re struggling with something? Or does your partner only come around when you’re happy and carefree?
It’s something to think about.
Someone who is truly into you will enjoy being out and about with you. They’ll want you to be in the community with them or hang out with their friends and family sometimes.
When was the last time you enjoyed a community event together? Have you met your partner’s friends, family members or even coworkers?
If you’ve never, or it’s been a while, invite your partner to go out with your friends and see how they react to the invitation. If squeamish, be honest about the matter. Ask them why they never want to be seen out and about with you.
Do a little digging and let them know it means a lot to you to feel a part of their community life.
When you’re truly into someone, you tend to want to compliment them from time to time. Granted, not everyone is great at dishing out compliments. However, a simple, “You look great,” or “I appreciate you,” shouldn’t be that challenging.
If you enjoy compliments, let your partner know. Tell them you’d appreciate a compliment every so often. There are plenty of ways they can compliment you, such as:
Not everyone is affectionate, but someone who is truly into you will likely make some sort of effort to show affection.
It could be as simple as a hug when they see you, or holding your hand while you’re watching television together. It could be cuddling or looking at you with that extra special look from time to time.
Pay attention to whether or not your new love is affectionate in any way, shape, or form. If they’re not, you can always ask them if this is typical for them. Some people just aren’t affectionate, and it’s best to know that ahead of time so you don’t take it personally.
You can also let them know that you enjoy affection from time to time. Be specific as to what that means for you. Not everyone knows how to be affectionate, so spell it out for them and see if they are willing to oblige. If they are truly into you, they should be willing to make some effort.
Life can be busy, but if someone is really into you, they will want to keep in touch from time to time.
Does your new boo make the effort to text, call, video chat, or see you in person regularly? Or do they disappear for days or weeks at a time?
How often would you like to be in touch with your partner? Do they know this? Have a conversation about what that might look like for both of you.
If they’re truly into you, they should want to keep in touch in a way that works for them, and also validates your wants and needs.
Meeting friends (especially if your partner has a big social network) should happen at some point in your relationship. Has this happened for you?
Ask your partner questions about their friends. Let them know that you’d love to meet them at some point and then encourage them to set something up. If they keep putting you off, ask them why. It could mean that they’re not really into you.
How healthy is your relationship? 5 Signs Your Relationship is Healthy and Happy
You can always just ask your new partner just how into you they truly are.
You may or may not get the truth, but you can oftentimes gauge this by their reaction. If they become rude or coarse, that’s a red flag. It’s alright to ask this question, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Have a mature, open conversation about the topic. Be sure that you’re on the same page before opening up your heart fully. Keep in mind it may take time for some people to get on the same page. However, if you’re feeling like your new partner just isn’t feeling the same as you, bring it up.
After all, you deserve someone who is into you just as much as you’re into them.
Sometimes we are caught up in the dilemma of determining who we should offer help to. This is especially true when it involves a friend who supposedly hasn't been of any help to us and an acquaintance who had helped us in a difficult situation.
But when questions like this come to mind, one can't help but wonder, is the person in question our friend? Isn’t the person who helped us when we were in need more deserving of the title, “friend”, rather than the other person we’ve known for a while?
Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a friend as, "a person who HELPS or SUPPORTS someone or something."
A friend is someone who we know and can trust. We expect them to be there for us at all times, therefore they would also expect us to be there for them in their time of need.
Friendship runs way beyond sharing a bottle of drink and going on luxury vacations together. The real essence of a friendship is to support and help each member of the relationship.
Unfortunately, the word "friendship" has been misunderstood in recent times, and every acquaintance is now regarded as a friend.
A friend who cannot help in a time of need (especially when he/she is capable of helping) is not really a friend. And such relationships should be considered unhealthy.
In order to make things clearer, let’s examine what a "good" and a "fake" friend really look like.
When you are passing through difficult times, it is always comforting to know that you have someone who stands right by you all through that time.
Good friends are always supportive and always ready to help in whatever capacity that they can. They are there for you no matter what.
Being trustworthy is an important trait for a good friend.
During times of difficulty, friends need others with who they can confide and are sure that their secrets are safe with them. When a friend can not keep your information private, then that's a red flag!
A good friend is totally honest and open.
They don't lie or try to manipulate you in order to get you to do what they want. Keeping things from a friend or doing things behind their back that they may later find out about is not a quality of a good friend.
It is important to have someone who accepts you, loves you the way you are, and doesn't judge you.
They may not agree with your decision or actions all the time, but they honestly air their opinions or thoughts respectfully.
Being in a healthy friendship requires trust, honesty, and equal participation and contributions from both parties, or else it becomes one-sided, and consequently unhealthy.
If you dread being around them, and are always watchful of what you say or do to avoid triggering them or having them start another drama; then you might be in an unhealthy friendship.
Friendship is there to help you relax and drop your defenses, not make you stressed and fearful.
If you fear your friends might betray you – so that you keep secrets from them, or fear they are keeping secrets from you – you might be in an unhealthy friendship.
You should be able to know (or at least understand) your friends enough to know that they would act in your best interest, whether you are around or not.
If you feel a deep sense of isolation instead of companionship in the relationship, it might be a sign your friendship is fake.
Maybe they don’t visit, or there is always an excuse when you need their company.
If a friend won’t help you in times of need, especially when they are capable of doing so, it is a red flag.
You should be able to go out of your way for friends and also get that from them in return.
If friends do not know when to stop – if they keep intruding into your private and family affairs – like setting up dates, applying for jobs, talking to your spouse on your behalf, or setting you up for something you are not ready for or are always demanding you do their “duty” for them, then the friendship might be toxic.
If your friend(s) sees you as a competition, and would rather win than see you win then it is a red flag.
Friends should cheer you on when you succeed, not get jealous or bitter.
4 Things a Real Friend Won't Do
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
A lot of unhealthy relationships – included unrequited friendships – persist because we keep fueling them.
We need to constantly remind ourselves that it is okay to move on in a friendship that has become parasitic instead of mutual.
When relationships become parasitic or one-sided, and the person on the giving side fails to identify that the lifespan of the union has long overdue, they suffer the brunt of the failed friendship.
It is important we identify a friendship that is dying, and amicably end it before it comes toxic.
Most people fail to recognize this, hence they hold on to relationships that are long dead, and then they feel used, betrayed, or neglected.
If someone is truly your friend, then they are also your helpers (at least when the ball is in their court), hence helping a friend isn't a matter of choice, it's the very core of the entire relationship, it is the heartbeat of friendship, and it is the foundation of the friendship.
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels
As a relationship grows and evolves, so also does the behavior of the people in it (bit by bit).
At the beginning of relationships, everything is usually great, because both parties are on their best behaviors, and mostly overlook the little quirks of the other.
However, as a relationship stretches across time, and the veil of passionate love begins to clear, the weight and size of every irritation begin to magnify and intensify – not just in the minds of parties involved, but in the exhibition.
As a relationship matures, most people are inclined to relax the amount of effort and time they usually put into the relationship because they are now more than strangers (they might even be engaged or married at this point), and this makes them feel secure.
The problem is that relaxation can quickly veer into passivity. And one major way it would be felt is in the drastic reduction in the amount of care and attention given to a partner or each other.
Conventional wisdom tells us that “it is not good to be needy”, “asking people for attention shows that you have low self-esteem”, “attention should be earned, not asked for” and the like. While this is true in many cases, it is not always true (especially in relationships where we’ve earned it).
There are people who go crazy when they are not the center of attention, and who can do almost anything within their power to get it from people (even if that attention is negative.)
This is toxic behavior, and not what partners should aspire to. There is no need to play up anything in order to win your partner's attention. It is manipulative, controlling, and may get you in trouble if your partner finds out it was an act all along. In extreme cases, it may even destroy the relationship.
The truth is that we all crave attention and love to some extent, and desiring those is not bad nor something to be ashamed of either.
Yes, you can’t get, and shouldn’t demand your partner's attention at all times. But if you feel like they glaze over your conversation or invitation to spend time together to continue tapping and swiping their phones, something has gone wrong somewhere.
Having said that, being ignored is not something you should tolerate because you are afraid of being seen as demanding or needy. You deserve care and attention.
In fact, you can argue that it is because of the need to be validated and loved (emotionally, sexually, and otherwise), that you got into the relationship in the first place.
So, why not ensure that that warmth that lured you into the relationship continues? If it was there at the beginning (and was considered healthy) then why shouldn’t it still be there as the “healthy” relationship advances and grows?
That said, below are some very practical and honest ways you can get back the attention of your lover.
First, you must know what it is you desire.
Then you must differentiate those which are negotiable, from those which are not. You may not always get gifts and trips. But the kisses, hugs, and cuddles shouldn’t be missing (at least not for weeks, months, or years on end). Seeking physical affection (including sex) is all rightfully desired and deserved.
People need varying degrees of attention as they grow and evolve. So they may also assume that your needs are changing as theirs (hence you may feel a lack of sufficient effort from their end whilst they honestly do not feel that way).
Tell them how you feel when you are not getting as much attention as you wish (there is no shame in this). Don’t play blame games, nor nag. Simply state how it’s affecting you, and see how they respond (you might be amazed how much little things like this can help).
When they do pay you more attention, appreciate them for it.
Thank them for (or at least, inform them that you enjoyed) the text, call, dinner, outing, gift, trip, sex, etc. It will make them feel good, and want to do more of that.
You were once happy without your partner.
How did that happen? It is most likely because you did things that you found fun, or considered important. Your partner may not enjoy all the things you enjoy. For example, they may be introverted and dread going out whilst you love going out.
Rather than asking them to meet all your needs (at their expense), you might want to start doing more of the things that make you happy. You may find other people within your network who share similar interests and see how it goes.
When you feel fulfilled and happy in those aspects, you can then rely on your partner to keep making you happy in the aspects they enjoy as well.
In extreme cases; if after speaking with them, encouraging them, and basically getting your life in order and you still feel you are the only one on the boat, maybe you really are the only one on the boat.
Maybe they are no longer interested in you. If you have done the work on being direct about how you feel, and your partner still doesn't meet in the middle to find a resolution, you may want to consider larger problems. Or you may find it's time to move on to a relationship where you feel you are both contributing emotionally.
It hurts to feel ignored. And this article is not saying it's your fault, or that you should give up if your initial conversations don't seem to pan out.
Relationships are hard, and take work. But you need to do the work together. Know when your expectations are too high, or when you need to more accommodating. But also know when you are not being emotionally supported by your partner as well.
If you’re like me, you want to continue to build deeper intimacy in all your relationships, be it friends, family, and/or partner.
By intimacy, I mean a closeness. A depth. A feeling that you totally get each other and have each other’s back no matter what.
I think it’s important to bring up this topic, as many relationships are severed due to certain conversations gone awry due to not knowing what to say or do.
We ask each other all the time, “How are you?” Now, many times, this is just a way to get a conversation started and we might not really want to get a serious answer. Ever ask someone how they’re doing just to be nice, get a “Life stinks” answer and think, “Oh ok. That’s not what I wanted to hear.” Not because you don’t care, but sometimes you just don’t know what to say.
I’m here to help you with that.
Now, I’m talking about when we genuinely want to know how our partner, friend, acquaintance, or family member is doing. Maybe you notice they are not their chipper selves, or you are genuinely interested in how they are doing on all levels.
When you ask someone how they’re doing and they say something like, “I’m feeling horrible. I’m really struggling. My anxiety is high and I’m sad.”
Now, these are viable responses because you’re trying to reassure the person. However, when you say something that minimizes or dismisses the person’s feelings, you’re essentially telling them that you’re not REALLY interested in how they are feeling. This may put distance between you; not bring more closeness or intimacy.
Here’s an example:
Kelly has been feeling down lately. Her boyfriend, who obviously notices she’s not up like she usually is, asks her what’s wrong. She says, “I don’t know. I’m just not feeling myself. Maybe it’s the weather or hormones or something.” His response?
“Well, why don’t you treat yourself to the spa on Sunday? Maybe that will help. Or get a good night sleep. You’ve been up late every night this week”
Although Kelly appreciates the effort, this is not really what she needs to hear from her boyfriend. She feels that by his response, he is sort of ignoring her feelings and trying to “fix her” instead of simply acknowledging her feelings. She may simply want to be heard.
Let’s take it a bit further. Kelly’s mother, who she is not really close to anymore, would tend to respond this way to Kelly’s true feelings:
“Well, why would you feel sad? You have so much to be grateful for! Maybe you need to see a counselor.”
This made Kelly feel unheard time and time again and put a wedge between her and her mother. Over time, when asked how she was doing, Kelly simply started responding this way to her mom:
“I’m great, Mom! Everything is wonderful!” (Even though it wasn’t)
Haven’t we all done that at times? I’ve tried fixing my kids time and time again, and still catch myself at times. I’ve also gotten the “How’s life?” and responded:
“Oh, It’s great! Yep, I’m fine! Woohoo for me!” But really, I was struggling.
We’re up in our heads with all sorts of negative thoughts and feelings and we won’t fess up to those closest in our lives. Why?
Perhaps we think that being real, raw, and vulnerable makes us weak. We feel bad. We feel like others will judge us. Or walk away. We feel like feeling sad or mad or anxious or frustrated is a bad thing. Or worse - that we’re bad.
So, we are not truthful with ourselves or with others, which limits our ability to be intimate or close with ourselves and those we care about.
Take a few minutes to gauge how you respond to others when they come to you with their true feelings. Do you internally think, “Oh great. I don’t want to deal with this” or “Oh my, I have no idea what to say”?
I can say I have, but over time I’ve learned that cultivating intimacy requires some work. It requires honesty and compassion and vulnerability - even when I’m afraid.
Want to know a secret to having more intimacy in your life?
When those times come when “feelings” arise, when your partner comes to you and shares how they are truly feeling, simply ACKNOWLDEGE THEIR FEELINGS.
That’s it? Yes. It’s certainly a great start.
So, when your guy or gal comes to you real, vulnerable, and raw, and says,
Resist the urge to “fix it”.
Truly listen, and then take a moment to pause. Then, acknowledge how they feel.
Remember that may not want you to “fix it or them”. They may just want you to acknowledge that you understand how they are FEELING right now. When you do that, when you take note of their feelings, you invite a greater intimacy into your lives.
It shows that you are really listening to them. You allow them to feel heard, accepted for where they are right now, and loved unconditionally.
Read this next: 7 Secret Habits of Very Content and Satisfied People
Then, mirror back to them what they’ve just said, as this lets them know that you are getting what they are saying. Say,
Then, instead of minimizing, judging, giving advice, or blowing it off, offer your support by validating their emotions.
Let them know that it’s ok for them to feel that way. That you’re there to support them. You don’t have to say you know how they feel, because you might not know exactly how they’re feeling, but you can say things like,
“It’s understandable you feel that way. Dealing with (whatever it is) can be upsetting.”
Today, I can go to certain people when I’m struggling.
I can be vulnerable and share my true thoughts or feelings…most days. I still find myself sometimes resorting to “I’m fine” due to insecurity, but my desire to live an authentic life as a vessel of light and love beckons me to stay real and raw.
A greater vulnerability (taking your masks off) will lead to a greater intimacy, which will lead to a more authentic life full of the real-deal kind of love and joy that we all crave.
So, when someone comes to you with their “stuff”, resist the temptation to dismiss, minimize, or fix them. Acknowledge their feelings.
When you have some issues going on, resist the temptation to just say, “I’m fine” when asked by someone who really cares about you.
Take your mask off. Give them the opportunity to really be there and grow some intimacy.
After all, we can teach each other the most amazing life and love lessons, can’t we?
Photo by Josue Michel on Unsplash
Dating and mating are in our DNA.
It is fundamental for the survival of our species. We're still hardwired to find someone we consider interesting or attractive, and, for the most part, to procreate with them.
Yet, for some strange reason, many of us still struggle to hold down a date. In fact, some of us seem to be quite good at scaring off those who even approach us. But why? Surely we are not trolls.
Well, it all boils down to desirability.
However, “desirability” is a fragile and precarious state of being. It is hard to remain desired, as too much or too little leads to “undesirability”. So when we meet someone interesting, we either give or express too much or too little most of the time.
The result is that we end up being undesirable, and that is what scares them away.
Hence, a good strategy would be to take note of these excesses and curb them so we don’t chase away the next person who fancies us.
Are you setting healthy boundaries? The Most Common Boundaries You Should Know & Set in Your Relationships
Almost every human dreads being the “ends” to some “means”.
We are terrified of being “used”. This is true for both males and females. Sure, we all want to give to the person we love, hang out with them, and even make out or hook up with them, but we don’t want it to be excessive.
We don’t want to feel smothered, stifled, drained, or worse, used. This also applies to getting “committed” (asking them to be your spouse on the first date may come as a shock to them).
This might come as a surprise to some people, but nagging is almost as irritating as sleeping in a mosquito-infested room.
If you are going to complain about every little thing, you would most likely make them wonder how insufferable you would become once they actually become your partner.
Sure, you should not ignore all their errors. In fact, allowing them to do things you detest or walk over you would cause you to start despising them, or make them wonder why you tolerate them so much.
You should inform them when they do something you do not like, but it should be more structured, presented in a calm tone, and delivered at the right time.
If you go ahead ranting about all the things they are doing wrong all the time, you may succeed in causing them to stop doing those things temporarily, but in the end, they would resent you (even if it was with the right intentions).
It is not wise to nag.
As much as it is fun to start a new life with someone, you must realize that the reason they want to be with you in the first place was that you had an “interesting life”.
If someone gets close to you only to discover that you are ditching your friends, hobbies, family, job, and everything just to be with them, they may become startled, concerned, and scared of the way things are going and feel bothered about how you’re living your life.
Sure, you should include them in your plans, make time for them, and actually spend time with them (doing interesting and fun things together), but you shouldn’t be canceling appointments you’ve made with family, friends, and colleagues because they want to go out for ice-cream or watch a movie or two.
That is irrational, can seem desperate, and reeks of low self-esteem. You don’t want to lose your “life” trying to start a new one with them. Let them come and share the wonderful life you’ve built, just as you go on to partake in theirs.
Don’t ignore your personal life.
As much as you should be honest about your past (including past relationships), it does a disservice to the newly sprouting relationship if you keep harping on that past.
Comparing and contrasting your new potential date with your ex is unattractive, and makes them want to feel sorry for you (for either losing your ex or having to endure them while it lasted); in either case, it doesn’t paint you well.
What it tells them is that you wish you were with your ex, or you haven’t gotten over the trauma from the past relationship.
In either case, it doesn’t put you in a good light.
In all its shades, it is unattractive.
These all go a long way to inform them to stay the hell away from you. Why? People want to date stable people, not someone on an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t lose control.
So there you have it. The things you mustn’t do if you don’t want your next date to vanish without a trace (thanking their stars they dodged a bullet).
But of course, you can be guiltless of all that was mentioned above and still get ghosted, or left; in which case you may find comfort in the knowledge that it wasn’t your fault.
Nevertheless, if you need closure, it is still okay to ask the person why they left; maybe that would help you know what the issue really was rather than wondering.
However, not everyone will give you the closure that you want so the best thing to do is to move on if they don’t give that to you. You deserve better than that!
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
No doubt when you get into a relationship, sooner or later, conflict will arise.
During the honeymoon phase, you might think there is nothing your partner could say or do to upset you. You’re on cloud nine, and you can’t imagine saying or doing anything to upset your partner either.
However, it’s natural for conflict or disagreements to happen at some point in the relationship. The honeymoon phase is wonderful, but life shows up and at some point, you both begin to see each other’s flaws and idiosyncrasies. This can cause conflict.
What will you do when conflict arises?
It is a good idea to think about this ahead of time, as when you’re in the heat of the moment, logic tends to jump ship. I’ve had plenty of people tell me their alter ego trumps during an argument, but later they feel terrible.
I encourage you to have a plan on how you will contend with conflict. You may even want to discuss this with your partner ahead of time.
Open-minded, honest communication is huge.
If you determine now how you will deal with the contrast and stick to your plan, you should be able to work through it without sending off too many harmful grenades.
If you're not that great at communicating with each other, make it your aim too better your communication skills now, before conflict happens. If you tend to be the type that shuts down when you get into a situation where there's conflict, there's opportunity for you to learn how to remain open and speak your truth.
Bottling things up inside usually tends to just cause a big blow up later. If you and your partner have a tough time communicating, read some books or watch some YouTube videos on the topic together.
You could even get a counselor and learn some excellent communication skills at couples counseling.
It’s common for angry feelings to get aroused in a relationship now and then.
When you get angry, you can react, or you can respond.
Reacting looks like screaming, “You’re such a jerk!”.
Responding means pausing for a few moments to gather yourself. It’s looking at whatever the issue is or whatever happened, contemplating, and processing. Then, you respond from a logical space, rather than a negative emotional space.
Some people count to 20. Some say, “I’m leaving the room to process and we can have a discussion about this when we calm down.” Do what works for you.
Allowing time for cool down is a good idea. Sure, your partner may be at fault. Maybe they’re an hour late and didn’t call you to inform you of their time issue.
Or maybe they embarrassed you in front of their friends. No matter what they’ve done to anger you, if you react in an angry or hurtful way, the situation may escalate and not be resolved.
Learn to take a few minutes or hours to cool yourself down and gauge the situation. I think that you’ll find that if you and your partner do this, you’ll be more apt to work through issues instead of exploding and hurting each other intentionally or unintentionally.
There are plenty of blogs, books, and YouTube videos on the topic of conflict resolution.
If you and your partner are having trouble getting through conflict without causing each other pain, take some time to educate yourself. There are plenty of free videos on YouTube that will take you step by step how to resolve various types of conflict.
You can watch them on your own or with your partner. Try out different skills and see what works for you.
Forgiveness goes a long way in a relationship.
It's quite common to get into arguments with your partner or take out negative emotions on each other. I'm sure many of us can relate to projecting anger or frustration onto our partners, especially after a bad day.
Choose now to forgive one another once you resolve a conflict. Look at each other in the eyes and truly apologize. Aim to do better in the future.
I’m not saying to forgive and forget if there is any type of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse going on. That’s a different scenario. If you’re being abused, contact the Domestic Violence hotline to get some support.
I’m talking about common, fairly normal conflicts that arise in relationships, like saying something in a rude tone, or acting immature when you’re having an argument. Apologize and forgive.
Journaling has long been a therapeutic technique to help out with all sorts of issues.
Putting down your thoughts and emotions during or after conflict in a relationship can help you learn a little bit more about yourself, your partner, and the relationship in general. You could write down things like what happened, how you handled this situation, and how you could have handled it differently.
You can also write down your goals as to how you would like to handle conflict anytime it arises in your life. You can go through your journal from time to time to see the progress that you've made or areas that still need improvement.
If you think about conflict resolution ahead of time, getting through conflict will be easier.
If you end up having trouble resolving issues, consider reaching out to a couple’s therapist for some help. You and your partner can talk to the therapist about what's going on and learn some valuable tools for working through conflict as it arises.
The work and time is worth it, and so is your relationship!
Looking for more advice? Similar article: Arguing With Your Partner About Money? Top 6 Practical Tips to Start Working Together
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
It is usually unexpected, weird, and then annoying if it lingers.
Orbiting is when someone who isn’t directly communicating with you still makes time to:
Social media has made finding, connecting with, and following people super easy.
We all follow our favorite celebrity, and may even clamor to be the first to like, comment, and share their content. It is totally normal to want to engage with the contents of the people you admire.
But, when it comes to celebrities, we all know that the reason they don’t respond to us is simply that they can’t. With hundreds of engagements offline, and hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of notifications and messages daily, their inbox is usually crowded, noisy, and sometimes abandoned.
So it makes sense that we can’t chat with them.
But, when it is an everyday person – even if they tend to be very busy people – we're sure that their inboxes are usually not that flooded. If anything, we are sure that if they get online, and we message them, we should get a reply not after more than an hour or two.
So, when someone who appears particularly invested in us (judging from their interaction with our pictures, videos, or tweets), still resists the urge to speak to us directly (even though our inboxes are clearly open), it raises a lot of questions.
It makes us wonder why they are orbiting us rather than speaking to us.
Now, orbiting can take place in different scenarios – done by different categories of persons, and at different points in time – and it usually feels different in all cases. For example, orbiters can exist as:
When we wake up to 15 new likes from one person, who seems to have gone all the way back to our posts from 3 years ago – especially when they are interested in liking selfies, whilst avoiding scenic pictures, or family photos – the first impression is usually that this person is trying to get our attention.
Maybe they are trying to flirt with us, or something. It is usually cute, especially when they continue for a day or two. But then it gets annoying when they never seem to pull the trigger. Worse, if you reach out to them and they do not respond, it’s confusing and rather condescending.
If they won’t speak to you, why stalk you?
With everyone’s grandma and grandpa hopping in on social media these days, it makes sense that some cousins, aunties, and uncles may also be in on it, and even following you.
They may really be interested in you, commenting and liking your content, and it may feel nice and welcoming. However, if these are people you usually don’t speak to in real life, it may feel more like you’re under surveillance by them than that they are being nice.
You know that they are your rivals, and you do not like them one bit; yet for some weird reason they seem to ALWAYS view your stories, give you the thumbs up, and drop vague comments and emojis that could be interpreted in any number of ways.
This is absolutely the worse on the list.
This person ripped out your heart, yet they have the temerity to view, like, and maybe even comment on your photos like they never hurt you in the past. How dare they! What is their aim? Are they trying to reconcile? Monitor you? Mock you? Or irritate you? Are they truly crazy?
Orbiting to several degrees is far worse than ghosting. Ghosting leaves you wondering, but orbiting keeps you tormented. It messes with your mind and can feel so inexplicable that it borders on offensive.
Social media has put all our lives in the public so that literally anyone can by accident stumble upon our photos and videos from days, months, or years past.
But it is usually expected that people would respect the dynamics of relationships in real life on social media, but when that is not happening because orbiters neglect it.
Thankfully, there is still one more amazing feature social media platforms come with – and that is blocking, unfollowing, and barring.
Let’s face it, watching someone you don’t like, “living their best life” is not something anyone really enjoys. That said, orbiting is not healthy for both you and the person stalking your socials.
For the orbiter, it may just lead to more pain, especially when the person orbited has moved on or is doing better than them. Whilst for the orbited, it may feel a bit jarring and creepy to say little about vexation it may also bring.
In summary, orbiting is a limited, passive, and lazy form of interaction online that usually leads to little or no good, when it is not outright causing hurt and damages.
Photo by Good Free Photos on Unsplash
Being kind is something we should all constantly strive for.
Yet, people-pleasing takes this to a whole other level — one where you might end up feeling overly anxious, stressed, and emotionally spent.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being kind. Rather, it involves going out of your way to change what you say or how you behave to cater to other people’s reactions and feelings.
Here’s the thing: You actually have no control over other people’s reactions or feelings. And editing yourself can drain you and keep you from being your authentic and real self. Now, what kind of life is that?
In this article, we’re going to determine if you are, in fact, a “people-pleaser” and how you can stop. From there, you can gain a greater sense of self, fulfillment, and happiness in your life (yes, it’s possible!).
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” - Lao Tzu
People-pleasing means you put someone else’s needs first.
While in some situations this can be helpful, doing this all the time can lead to serious self-neglect. If you keep this up throughout your life, you might never reach your full potential. And when you’re knee-deep in it, it can be hard to recognize the signs.
With that in mind, here are 8 signs you might be a people pleaser:
As a people pleaser, you long for approval and you love to be agreeable. Thus, you might go along with things, even when you don’t necessarily agree. You simply want to make others happy.
Ultimately, this can lead to frustration down the road, as well as flawed ways of doing things.
You might want to slam on the breaks here. You might be putting others before you. Everyone needs downtime and free time. It’s okay to say you need time alone or time to unwind as an excuse to say no.
When situations get tense, you apologize and take the hit. Yet, you aren’t even sure if it’s your fault. Your goal is, essentially, to dissipate any conflict. However, this can lead to not trusting yourself, self-depreciation, and more.
Stick to apologizing when you know what you’ve done wrong and are truly remorseful. This not only makes you more authentic but also leads to increased confidence.
Related Article: Stop Over-Apologizing: Why Saying Sorry Less Can Make You Feel More Powerful
You don’t want anyone to think you don’t care, so you rarely say no. However, this backfires. You might be left feeling exhausted. Additionally, you aren’t setting healthy boundaries, which can lead to you being taken advantage of by others.
Related Article: Do You Say “Yes” When You Want To Say “No”? 5 Tips For Better Boundaries
It’s time to start looking inward rather than outward.
Giving is supposed to be a selfless act. While it truly never is, regardless, your goal with giving shouldn’t be for others to like you. Also, just because you give, it doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.
Do you have a suspicion that you’re being used? These are alarm bells going off! You might be too much of a people-pleaser if this is the case. And again, it’s time to set boundaries.
Not getting what you need might be a sure-fire sign that you’re putting everyone else ahead of yourself. This might lead to bitterness, jadedness, and other serious life struggles. A healthy relationship should go two ways, always.
So, how can you knock it off?
The truth is that a lot of these tendencies come from past trauma and self-esteem issues. But it doesn’t mean you can’t change the path you’re on!
First and foremost, it might help to talk to someone. No, nothing is “wrong” with you. But discussing your struggles with a professional can help you pave a clear path, one where you want your life to go.
In the meantime, you can practice the following habits:
This means assessing why you’re doing the act of kindness in the first place. Are you seeking approval? How will you feel if the act of kindness isn’t returned? Ideally, you should be okay with it.
The truth is that you can’t give your best without feeling your best. If you aren’t taking care of you’re number one (you), you’re selling yourself and everyone you love short. So, take that time. Indulge for YOU.
Without them, you’re literally inviting people to walk all over you and take advantage of you.
Just because someone asks you to do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. Why are you doing it? Is it a reasonable ask? Is it coming from someone who always asks of you but is never there when you need them?
Relationships should never be a one-track thing. It requires the effort of both parties. If you don’t feel you’re getting back the effort you put in (in different ways), it might be time to sever ties, as well as refer to the above.
It might seem unnatural at first.
And that’s okay! It might take some practice and time. Yet, finding that balance between kindness and caring for yourself is one of the greatest things you can do. So, show yourself a little kindness.
Pour some of that effort and energy into you. So many great things can come from it!
Read Next: When You’re Struggling With Not Feeling Good Enough, Try This
Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash
There is no shortage of dating advice both online and offline.
The dating industry is huge and thousands of businesses have been carved out from, and built around it, generating billions of dollars yearly. Books, courses, coaches, apps, creams, clothes, shoes, etc. are all out there, all hell-bent on getting you to find the love of your life.
They all offer dos and don’ts, principles, and secret tactics. If you follow them step-by-step, you are guaranteed to get what you are looking for (in 30 days or less, or your money back). And they really can get you some results.
For instance, using pickup lines, compliments, gifts or other sneaky psychological tricks can get you a date or two. However, you risk coming across as creepy, insincere or fake in most cases. But that’s not all, you also risk ending up with shallow or toxic people by using these tactics.
It's a whole lot better to approach things honestly and calmly. Obviously, it's better to ask people out on a date or let them know you're interested without being a creep. Not only would this ensure you get to go out with high-value people, but you may also earn the respect of those who turn you down.
The truth is that it is not always easy to communicate your intentions to someone, without the risk of rejection, especially if you’re inexperienced. That is why it is better to get them to be more open to you before even making your move.
Now, a lot of people try to overcomplicate things with dozens of pieces of advice; but here I’d reveal an approach that is as simple as ABC that you can follow today to resolve all your worries about dating, or seeming creepy.
A lot of the fear we face when it comes to talking to people about how we feel is mostly due to the fear of rejection.
To the average person, rejection is almost as terrifying as standing in front of a loaded gun (no one wants to be there). However, the difference is that a gun can kill, but rejection really won’t.
The solution to this irrational fear is to develop yourself to the point where you begin to realize that there is hardly any reason left for them to reject you, save their personal preferences.
When you have gotten to this point, rejection feels less like an attack on you, and more like a mismatch of wants at that very moment. You understand that they didn’t reject you because you were lacking something, but because they weren’t ready, or just didn’t prefer your type.
Now, this may still sting a little, but not as much as when you can clearly see that they rejected you due to your obvious shortcomings. Being unkempt, unhealthy, or having off putting personal behaviors may actually creep people out if you approach them that way; so why not fix that first?
A lot of times we are consumed by what we think, feel, and want, while thinking less about what the other person thinks, feels, or wants.
For instance, being out in the dark at night can put people on the edge in terms of personal safety, yet some people would think it clever to stop someone on a lonely path at night to talk. This behavior shows a lack of appropriateness, but can also come across as downright creepy.
Imagine another scenario. This time, someone is flirting with a worker who is getting paid to be nice to them (Think wait staff, salespeople, or customer care representatives).
Not only is this creepy, but it is also counterproductive, as they are actively meeting them when they're most defensive and closed to the option of dating.
They would have had a better shot if they were at a more serene and unofficial setting. Think the park, art gallery, zoo, coffee shop or a sports event. The idea is to think to yourself, “Would I feel comfortable talking with a complete stranger about dating in this situation?”
If the answer is no, or maybe, you probably shouldn't advance. Always try to see things from their perspective.
If the answer is yes, then it's OK to proceed.
This doesn’t mean you should beat about the bush, but that you should be more gentle with your approach.
If you see someone across the room and want to speak with them, it's way better to establish eye contact with them (and had them notice you first) before walking over.
And when you are with them, you don’t have to go straight to asking them for a date; you first need to get to know them.
Listen to their response too. Do they seem to be interested?
As you can see, what flows naturally after building rapport with them, is that they open up to you. At this point, they either decide to go on a date or not; but in either case, you have your respect intact, and the interaction is pleasant for everyone.
If things go well, you can make your intent to date them more overt during the lunch, coffee break, or what have you in store.
It is simple as ABC, with zero creepiness involved. It may take longer to develop yourself or to build rapport. But in the end, it leads to the best kind of relationship – a happy and healthy one.
Read this next: How to Communicate With Anyone You Meet
Photo by Jep Gambardella from Pexels