How Co-Dependents Anonymous Step One Helped Me to Surrender

Codependency is a term that indicates an unhealthy relationship with another person.

That person could be your partner, friend, or family member. Over the years, I’ve heard many people talk about feeling stuck in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with their partner. There may be alcohol or drugs involved in the relationship or perhaps not.

Either way, it’s good to get familiar with codependency and then take steps toward overcoming it. I know for me it took a great deal of educating myself on the issue and working the 12 Steps associated with Co-Dependents Anonymous with a sponsor.

The good news is that there is hope in working through this. You can journey toward self-love and toward healthy relationships. 

Co-Dependents Anonymous Step One: We Admitted We Were Powerless Over Others...

I’d like to discuss Step One of Co-dependents Anonymous today, as it is the most important step.

“We admitted we were powerless over others –that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Step One was challenging for me at first. I did not want to think that my attitudes and actions caused my life to become unmanageable. But I’d hit my emotional rock bottom. I had no idea how to deal with overwhelming emotions.

I’d never learned as a child to do so. Finally, I admitted that I was really powerless over everything and my emotional life was out of control.

You see, I started surpassing my emotions in childhood and kept resisting them because the pain felt so uncomfortable and scary. It wasn’t until a traumatic event in my mid 30’s triggered those memories and old wounds that I realized I had actually suppressed them. 

A divorce and the realization that my kids were hurt as a result of my decision spiraled me into an emotional state which was all new to me.

Trying to Control Others So We Feel Safe

Step One, admitting that I was powerless over others, made me realize that I’d spent a good part of my life trying to control others so that I would feel safe and secure. 

The problem with this is that deep inside I never really did feel safe and secure no matter what I did or didn’t do. 

• When I was young, I tried to be the “good” girl so that my mom would feel better, as she suffered from major depression.
• When I was raising my children, I tried to make sure my kids were super happy because when they were happy, I was happy.
• Then after the divorce, I tried to please my new partner because it was their approval that made me feel temporary happiness.

All of those behaviors set me up for pain. Seeking the approval and love from others set me up for disappointment. It set me up for an unmanageable life because I struggled with codependency.

Surrender

Step One is the foundation for the other steps.

• This is the step where you get to own your reality.
• You take responsibility for your life and emotions.
• You take responsibility for your own happiness instead of relying on someone else. 

You surrender.

When I surrendered to the reality that most of my emotions were negative, I gave room for my Higher Power to help me learn how to process those emotions so I could feel authentic, happy emotions like peace, joy, contentment, etc.

I’ve learned that when I am trying to control my emotional life based upon other people, I’ll suffer from anxiety and depression. Codependence can really be termed “external dependence”, as we reach outward to try to gain self-worth. It doesn’t work that way.

Journey Inward

Step One reminds me to look within for healing, serenity, and joy. It reminds me that I really am powerless over everyone else – their feelings, their moods, and what they think of me. And I don’t have to do one single thing to try to sway them one way or the other just so I can try to feel good. 

I can look to myself and my Higher Power for that unconditional love and security. When I begin to feel anxious or sad, I have to remind myself that I am responsible for my emotions and life. 

So I’m learning that when such feelings come, to sit with them for a minute, listen to them, acknowledge them, and then let them go.

Sometimes I'll go and do something that I enjoy or listen to something motivational. Sometimes I will put on a funny show or meditate. It used to be I could never really find anything fun to do. I was way too serious, but I’ve discovered some things that I really enjoy doing.

Step One requires honesty. I wish I would have been able to come to terms with this step much sooner in my life, as I would not have experienced and caused so much pain in myself and others.

Co-Dependents Anonymous: Overcoming Codependency

In conclusion, working Step One of Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA) seriously is a powerful catalyst for personal transformation and freedom.

By honestly acknowledging codependency and embracing the need for change, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth. Step One prompts deep self-reflection, empowering us to confront our patterns and behaviors with honesty and openness.

Through this sincere commitment, we gain important insights into the underlying emotional drivers of codependency, setting the stage for healing and personal empowerment.

For more information and valuable resources and support, visit the Co-Dependents Anonymous website.

Embrace Step One wholeheartedly, knowing that you possess the strength within to overcome codependency, cultivate healthier relationships, and embark on a path of authenticity and balance.

Photo by Boxed Water Is Better on Unsplash