Do you want to improve your communication with others?
What about improving your thoughts about yourself and truly understanding where these thoughts are coming from?
Or do you want to learn how you can best express your feelings?
It might all come down to unveiling your needs as well as listening for others’ needs.
Hear me out on this one.
I’m not someone to get into the “woo-woo” side of things. I’m actually very scientifically and data-driven when it comes to improving my health and life. But recently, I started reading this book entitled, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg.
The funny thing is I had heard about this book years ago. What stopped me from picking it up? I thought it sounded a little too “woo-woo.” But no other communication or mental health or self-help book has made more sense to me than this one.
So, because I’ve gained so much from this book already (And I still have about 100 pages of it left to go!), I wanted to share with you the basics of nonviolent communication and how it applies to almost every facet of life (and how it might just be the key to healthy relationships with those you love and yourself!).
Put simply, nonviolent communication approaches communication with ourselves and others through nonviolent means and by actually saying what you feel and need. The basis of this form of communication is derived from empathy—empathy for ourselves and for others.
The problem with everyday communication today is that we often communicate our thoughts as opposed to the true feelings and needs behind them.
This creates a hostile environment of blame, judgment, and criticism. Nonviolent communication aims to eliminate “violence” in our language and prevent escalation while communicating what we really want to communicate.
Basically, nonviolent communication involves four steps:
To start, when we hear something or we think something, we want to separate observation from evaluation. In the book, Marshall B. Rosenberg states,
“For most of us, it is difficult to make observations, especially of people and behavior, that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.”
For instance, this means stating that your husband’s dishes have been on the counter for two days as opposed to jumping into, “Your dishes are always left on the counter!”
You might say instead, “I’ve noticed the dishes have been on the counter for two days.”
Probably. The first puts the person on the defense and doesn’t truly solve our issue.
After observation, it’s about the feeling attached to that.
So, an example: “I’ve noticed your dishes have been on the counter for two days. I feel stressed...” Note that a feeling is usually one word. It’s not “I feel as though no one cares about orderliness,” which isn’t actually a “feeling.”
Then, it’s about the need attached to that feeling. Whenever we feel something, particularly something negative, it’s about an unmet need.
So, what need isn’t being met?
In this example, it might be, “I’ve noticed your dishes have been on the counter for two days. I feel stressed because I need our shared spaces to be clean and orderly.”
Lastly, there is usually a request.
We rarely communicate in a way where we aren’t requesting something from someone else, even if it’s just a simple acknowledgment.
In this example, it might involve: “I’ve noticed your dishes have been on the counter for two days. I feel stressed because I need our shared spaces to be clean and orderly. Would you mind cleaning up your dishes on the same day you use them?”
Boom. You’re not putting the other person on the defense and you communicated how you felt and what you needed.
The last part is important that it’s a “request” and not a “demand.”
People are less likely to want to do something if we demand it from them. For harmony, it has to be out of their own free will.
Related Article: How to Communicate with Anyone You Meet
The purpose is to foster connection between individuals (and ourselves!).
The author of this book truly believes that connection can resolve conflict and prevent misunderstandings, as well as generally bring us closer together. In fact, sometimes, we don’t even need to do anything about a conflict besides understand each other.
Now, here’s the cool bit: You can use nonviolent communication with yourself.
For instance, maybe you feel really angry about something. Pause, and question yourself.
Nonviolent communication can also be used to try to understand the needs of others when they are expressing strong emotions.
Usually, we communicate our thoughts, and it’s important to recognize this and try to ask questions to get to their feelings and needs. Paraphrasing and voicing back what you’re hearing can help do this, but I highly recommend reading the book for these types of situations!
Another quick example of nonviolent communication is: “I noticed I took out the trash the last two weeks. I feel a bit frustrated because I need us both to be contributing and sharing house chores. Would you mind taking out the trash when you notice it’s full?”
As stated above, it’s using the same framework in almost every situation, including with your own thoughts and feelings.
Some individuals even swear by writing the steps down and pausing, then referring to them when they need them or find themselves getting particularly heated in a discussion.
It’s also important to note that nonviolent communication can also involve other tactics, such as taking a break for a few minutes or half an hour to calm emotions so you can come back and tackle the issue the way you would like and not from a reactionary standpoint.
To recap, here are the steps again and what they mean:
All of the above comes from a place of empathy and compassion and the realization that we are all human with thoughts rooted in our past experiences. We are all doing the best we can.
However, truly understanding each other comes down to addressing (or even simply understanding) each other’s feelings and needs.
Related Article: 10 Practical Things You Can Do to Improve Your Communication Skills
You can use it at work, between colleagues or with your boss.
You can use it in romantic relationships or friendships. It can be used with strangers. And it is a great go-to for untangling your own feelings and needs. Have you tried communicating using these steps? It literally might just change your life!
If you haven’t already, I definitely recommend grabbing the book and reading it through front-to-back.
Read Next: Reading Body Language: How to Improve Your Ability to Read Nonverbal Communication
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Very useful advice.
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Learning a lot in developing closer relationship thru non-violent communication.