We’ve all been there… where you’re lying awake at 2 am, replaying that awkward conversation and going over the things you maybe shouldn’t have said…
Oof, life can really pile up, can’t it?
At times, it can feel like everything around us is crashing down and caving in. The anxiety can be paralyzing. Yet, one simple mindset shift could really alter how we view ourselves and these external forces around us.
Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory can help you protect your inner peace by releasing the exhausting grip of trying to control what others think, feel, or do.
It sounds simple, but yes, it takes some practice and patience with yourself. At the same time, it can be so freeing!
The truth is that we are constantly absorbing other people’s energy, opinions, and expectations, yet we don’t have to. So, the Let Them Theory gives you permission to stop. To step back. To let people be exactly who they are while you focus on being exactly who you are.
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Mel Robbins' The Let Them Theory
Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory is the practice of releasing control over what others think, feel, or choose. It’s recognizing that you cannot—and should not—orchestrate other people’s reactions, decisions, or emotions.
In turn, this mindset shift can help:
For example, maybe someone doesn’t text you back, and you spiral into wondering what you did wrong. Or perhaps family members judge your life choices, and you spend hours defending yourself.
Or a friend behaves unpredictably, and you try to decode their every move. The Let Them Theory says: stop. Let them not text. Let them judge. Let them be unpredictable.
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While I encourage you to read the full book or even watch a bunch of Mel Robbins’ YouTube videos, here are a few things that I took away from her teachings and theory, as well as how they can apply to our daily lives!
You can influence people, but you cannot control them.
Every minute spent trying to fix, convince, or manage someone else’s behavior is a minute stolen from your own life. People will make choices that baffle you, disappoint you, or straight-up inconvenience you—and that’s their right.
When you accept this, you stop carrying the impossible burden of being everyone’s emotional manager. You allow people to be exactly who they are, even when it’s frustrating or disheartening.
And no, it’s not about giving up, but instead, recognizing that their choices belong to them, just as yours belong to you.
Someone’s disappointed in you. Someone’s frustrated with your decision. Someone disagrees with your perspective. This is going to happen throughout life.
Yet, here’s what the Let Them Theory teaches: Their reaction doesn’t make you wrong, and more importantly, it doesn’t make you responsible for fixing their feelings.
When you let others own their emotional responses, you stop contorting yourself to prevent their discomfort.
Their disappointment belongs to them. Their frustration is theirs to process. This creates emotional freedom on both sides—they get to feel what they feel without you rushing in to manage it, and you get to make choices without the paralyzing fear of their reaction.
And no, this doesn’t mean apologies aren’t warranted. In fact, apologizing can coexist with not believing you did anything wrong. It’s more so about acknowledging the other person’s feelings. But also not letting it consume you!
Related Article: Stop Shrinking: How to Own Your Space Without Apologizing
Let’s be clear: Letting someone be themselves doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior.
You can absolutely step back from toxic dynamics, limit access to your life, or walk away entirely while still practicing the Let Them principle.
The difference is in your energy.
Instead of trying to change them, convince them, or make them see your perspective, you simply protect yourself and move forward. You simply let them be who they are, over there, away from your peace.
That sharp tone from your colleague? It’s likely their stress talking.
That friend who suddenly went cold? Their own internal struggle.
That family member’s criticism? Their unresolved issues or insecurities projected outward.
People operate from their own histories, anxieties, insecurities, and current circumstances. Their reactions often reveal far more about their internal state than about your worth or actions.
When you internalize this, you stop taking everything as a personal attack. You stop spiraling into self-blame every time someone's mood shifts. You recognize that their behavior is about them, not you.
Think about the hours you’ve spent trying to manage other people’s perceptions, smooth over their reactions, or convince them to see things your way.
Now imagine redirecting all that energy toward your own goals, growth, and well-being. Powerful, isn’t it?
When you stop people-pleasing and micromanaging others, you create space for something revolutionary: focusing on yourself without guilt.
Ultimately, what you focus on expands, so why not choose your own development? This shift builds resilience, confidence, and most importantly, self-trust.
Someone wants to leave? Let them.
This might be the hardest application of the theory, but it’s also the most liberating.
Holding onto people who want to go doesn’t mean you're loyal—it means you’re afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of what their leaving says about you, afraid of change.
At the end of the day, letting someone leave means you respect both their autonomy and your own dignity. Sometimes distance is the healthiest form of self-respect. And sometimes letting go is how you hold onto yourself.
My favorite saying is “No is a full sentence.”
You can say no, without explanation or reason. You don’t owe everyone an explanation for your choices, your boundaries, or your life direction.
In reality, the compulsion to justify yourself to every critic is exhausting and ultimately futile—people who want to misunderstand you will do so regardless of your explanations.
It’s not your job to correct every narrative or convince everyone of your worth. Remember, your energy is finite—spend it on people who are genuinely trying to understand, not those committed to misunderstanding or taking things personally.
Stop asking “Do they like me?” and start asking “Does this feel peaceful to me?”
When you prioritize your inner peace over external approval, your entire life reorganizes itself around authenticity rather than performance.
The less you chase validation, the more genuine your relationships become.
The people who stay are those who appreciate the real you, not the version of you that's constantly managing their comfort.
Letting them be who they are creates space for you to be who you are—without apology, without exhaustion, without the endless performance of trying to be everything to everyone.
Start small.
Let someone have an opinion without correcting them.
Let a text go unanswered without spiraling.
Let a situation unfold without jumping in to orchestrate the outcome.
Each small act of letting go builds your emotional resilience and rewires your nervous system away from hypervigilance and toward peace.
Most importantly, it gives you permission to choose yourself—to prioritize your peace, protect your energy, and live authentically without the crushing weight of trying to control the uncontrollable.
Simply put: Let them be who they are, so you can finally be who you are!
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