Dealing With Painful Memories: The 5 Steps to Help You Work Through

As we journey through life, we experience all sorts of things that create memories.

Some of them are happy, and most likely, some are painful. While happy memories bring joy and enrich our lives, painful memories can be challenging to deal with. They can make us feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stuck.

Things like divorce, childhood trauma, losing a job, losing a loved one, etc., can cause painful memories that affect our mental and emotional well-being and also interfere with our relationships.

How about you? Do you have painful memories that are interfering with your emotions?  Have you experienced things that caused you intense emotional pain? Is this pain keeping you from living your best life?

If so, it's helpful to learn how to work through painful memories and learn to heal ourselves. In this article, we'll discuss 5 practical steps on how you can work through the emotions that rise from these painful memories.

Painful memories often arise when we encounter a particular trigger or event that reminds us of a past traumatic experience. This could be a person, noise, smell, or situation. When we experience these emotional triggers, we experience more intense emotions and don't always know why.

Learning to become aware of these emotional triggers can help us manage our emotions better. Being more mindful of when we are triggered can help us defuse and integrate or heal such painful emotions.

5 Practical Tips on How You Can Work Through Painful Memories

1. Notice and Name the Emotions

The first step towards healing painful memories is notice and name your more intense emotions as they arise. Understand that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or hurt about your memories. The key is to notice them without letting them completely overtake you.

For example, if a certain memory causes you to feel anxious or fearful, take a moment to notice and name the fear. Try to separate yourself from it. Act like you're a witness and just notice it without judgment. This goes for other emotions, such as anger, jealousy, and so on. Notice and name them.

2. Pause and Observe the Emotions

The second step is to pause and try to avoid any immediate emotional response. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling for a count of four and exhaling for a count of six. Repeat this process a few times until you feel calmer.

Next, focus your awareness on your heart area and continue to consciously work on transitioning from an experiencer to a witnesser. By adopting an observer mindset, you detach yourself from the emotions and thoughts that arise, seeing them as separate entities.

Instead of identifying solely with the emotion, such as "I am angry" or "I am depressed," try referring to it as "you," "them," "it," or "exiled energy." For example, "I see you, Depression. I feel you quite nicely right now" or "I see you Anger. You're coming on strong right now."

By adopting this approach, you distance yourself from the overwhelming emotion and allow your already healed, empowered, whole self to take charge instead of the wounded, survival part of your brain.

As we observe the emotions from a space of loving awareness, we recognize that these strong emotions provide us with an opportunity to heal past traumas, wounds, or unconscious fragments that may have been previously hidden.

3. Explore How You Feel in Your Body

The next step involves exploring the situation that triggered your emotions and paying attention to your body's reactions. What happened to cause your emotions to rise? Was it a person, place, or sound that triggered you? If you have a journal, go ahead and write it down.

Just spend a few moments on this, as the current situation is typically just the surface issue. If you're experiencing intense emotions, there's usually underlying emotions that need to be addressed and healed.

After jotting down the situation, focus on what's happening in your body. Pay attention to any changes, such as your heart rate, muscle tension, breath, temperature, etc. Do a body scan and explore where you're feeling the emotions in your body. For example, is your heart beating fast, stomach tense, or are your teeth clenched?

By observing what's going on in your body, you're actively working on healing the emotional pain that's been stored there since the original wound.

Here's an example of what I may write when I'm feeling overwhelming social anxiety:

My body is feeling anxious and my heart is racing. My palms are sweaty and my breaths are shallow. I can feel the tension in my neck and shoulders. My stomach is churning and I feel a tightness in my chest. My mind is racing with negative thoughts like "everyone is looking at me" and "I'm going to embarrass myself."

Instead of letting these thoughts and physical sensations control me, I'm trying to observe them from a distance. I take deep breaths and remind myself that these feelings and thoughts are not me, but just passing sensations. I'm acknowledging the anxiety, but not letting it consume me. I'm staying present in the moment and not letting my thoughts take me to worst-case scenarios.

4. Reflection

The next step in this process is to engage in some introspection and try to recall a time when you felt the same way, either as a child or recently. Don't think of it as reliving the painful memories, but rather as examining the stored emotions and memories that have been waiting to be released. This process will allow you to process and release stored energy and feel better emotionally in the present. By doing this, you will be able to respond to triggering situations in a healthier and more empowering way.

If you have been practicing inner child work, you can ask your inner child what they would like to share or express to you. Similarly, if you have been practicing shadow work, you can ask your shadow what it wants and why it keeps resurfacing.

Jot down whatever comes to mind in your journal, and if nothing comes up, that's okay too. The important thing is to observe your inner child or shadow with love and kindness.

5. Processing and Healing the Memories

The last step is to process and allow healing of the painful memories. As a byproduct of the previous steps, the pain associated with the memories will heal or integrate back into the whole psyche, leaving you feeling better emotionally.

In this final step, you could say something like, "I see you depression. I acknowledge you and I'm here to give you the attention and love you need. From now on out, you're not in control. I am in control."

Essentially, you're releasing pent-up negative energy associated with the painful memory and taking your power back.

Think of this as a form of mindfulness, a way to be present with your emotions and work towards healing and integration.

Keep in mind that the more intense the negative emotions associated with the memory, the more effort it may take to heal it. For example, if you experienced a traumatic event as a child and it is causing intense emotional pain today, it may take repeating this process over and over until the emotions are entirely integrated or healed. It's not typically a "one-and-done" kind of thing. Some painful memories take longer than others to heal, and that's alright. Just keep doing your inner healing work, and they will.

Seek Professional Help

If you feel unable to deal with your memories and find yourself stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions, feel free to seek help from a mental health professional. Professionals can help you work through your pain and offer objective advice without judgment. They will also assist you in developing healthy coping mechanisms, rebuilding your self-esteem, and managing your stress.

Conclusion

Painful memories can be overwhelming, but they do not define us. By following these five steps, we can begin to heal the core wounds associated with them. Be patient and kind to yourself, focus on the present, and look forward to a better future. Remember that healing is not a one-time event, and it takes time and effort. Be brave, and take the first step towards a healthier and happier life.

If you'd like more information, here is a guided journal that can help you work through painful memories:

Shadow Work: Tracking & Healing Emotional Triggers Mindfully Guided Journal

Photo by Pavel Danilyuk