It is fundamental for the survival of our species. We're still hardwired to find someone we consider interesting or attractive, and, for the most part, to procreate with them.
Yet, for some strange reason, many of us still struggle to hold down a date. In fact, some of us seem to be quite good at scaring off those who even approach us. But why? Surely we are not trolls.
Well, it all boils down to desirability.
However, “desirability” is a fragile and precarious state of being. It is hard to remain desired, as too much or too little leads to “undesirability”. So when we meet someone interesting, we either give or express too much or too little most of the time.
The result is that we end up being undesirable, and that is what scares them away.
Hence, a good strategy would be to take note of these excesses and curb them so we don’t chase away the next person who fancies us.
Are you setting healthy boundaries? The Most Common Boundaries You Should Know & Set in Your Relationships
Almost every human dreads being the “ends” to some “means”.
We are terrified of being “used”. This is true for both males and females. Sure, we all want to give to the person we love, hang out with them, and even make out or hook up with them, but we don’t want it to be excessive.
We don’t want to feel smothered, stifled, drained, or worse, used. This also applies to getting “committed” (asking them to be your spouse on the first date may come as a shock to them).
This might come as a surprise to some people, but nagging is almost as irritating as sleeping in a mosquito-infested room.
If you are going to complain about every little thing, you would most likely make them wonder how insufferable you would become once they actually become your partner.
Sure, you should not ignore all their errors. In fact, allowing them to do things you detest or walk over you would cause you to start despising them, or make them wonder why you tolerate them so much.
You should inform them when they do something you do not like, but it should be more structured, presented in a calm tone, and delivered at the right time.
If you go ahead ranting about all the things they are doing wrong all the time, you may succeed in causing them to stop doing those things temporarily, but in the end, they would resent you (even if it was with the right intentions).
It is not wise to nag.
As much as it is fun to start a new life with someone, you must realize that the reason they want to be with you in the first place was that you had an “interesting life”.
If someone gets close to you only to discover that you are ditching your friends, hobbies, family, job, and everything just to be with them, they may become startled, concerned, and scared of the way things are going and feel bothered about how you’re living your life.
Sure, you should include them in your plans, make time for them, and actually spend time with them (doing interesting and fun things together), but you shouldn’t be canceling appointments you’ve made with family, friends, and colleagues because they want to go out for ice-cream or watch a movie or two.
That is irrational, can seem desperate, and reeks of low self-esteem. You don’t want to lose your “life” trying to start a new one with them. Let them come and share the wonderful life you’ve built, just as you go on to partake in theirs.
Don’t ignore your personal life.
As much as you should be honest about your past (including past relationships), it does a disservice to the newly sprouting relationship if you keep harping on that past.
Comparing and contrasting your new potential date with your ex is unattractive, and makes them want to feel sorry for you (for either losing your ex or having to endure them while it lasted); in either case, it doesn’t paint you well.
What it tells them is that you wish you were with your ex, or you haven’t gotten over the trauma from the past relationship.
In either case, it doesn’t put you in a good light.
In all its shades, it is unattractive.
These all go a long way to inform them to stay the hell away from you. Why? People want to date stable people, not someone on an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t lose control.
So there you have it. The things you mustn’t do if you don’t want your next date to vanish without a trace (thanking their stars they dodged a bullet).
But of course, you can be guiltless of all that was mentioned above and still get ghosted, or left; in which case you may find comfort in the knowledge that it wasn’t your fault.
Nevertheless, if you need closure, it is still okay to ask the person why they left; maybe that would help you know what the issue really was rather than wondering.
However, not everyone will give you the closure that you want so the best thing to do is to move on if they don’t give that to you. You deserve better than that!
August 10, 2022
August 9, 2022