What is Stonewalling? 6 Signs, 8 Causes & Tips to Promote Open Communication

It is no secret that conflicts and misunderstandings exist in every relationship, despite how it might appear to the outside world.

How these conflicts and misunderstandings are dealt with determines how the relationship will progress or end. 

How do you deal with conflicts in your relationships?

One can think that there are two kinds of people.

• The ones who are always ready to address the issue when it is still burning and iron out any differences or concerns immediately.
• And those who need some time to think about it before eventually having the discussion. 

But there is also a 3rd group. People who do not want to deal with the issue at all.

One way they do this is through stonewalling. This is when one consciously or subconsciously shuts down and opts to not deal with the issue.

What is Stonewalling? 

Stonewalling is a coping mechanism that some people use to deal with uncomfortable situations.   

It is a communication behavior and a form of interpersonal conflict where one person actively and intentionally refuses to:

• engage in a conversation
• provide information
• respond to questions or comments from another person

It involves shutting down communication and can manifest in various ways. 

6 Signs Of Stonewalling 

The silent treatment.

The stonewaller may completely ignore the other person, refusing to speak, make eye contact, or acknowledge their presence. If it is over text, they will simply leave the other person on read.

Monosyllabic responses.

When confronted with questions or comments, the stonewaller may respond with short, unhelpful answers or minimal verbal communication.

Avoidance.

Stonewalling may also involve physically leaving the room or situation to avoid the conversation altogether.

Changing the subject.

The stonewaller may divert the conversation away from the topic at hand, making it difficult to address the issue or concern.

Pretending not to understand.

Some individuals engage in stonewalling by acting as if they don't understand what the other person is saying, even when it's clear. They could also gaslight the other person by making them question if their feelings are valid and if they are recalling events correctly. 

Being sarcastic or passive-aggressive.

Others will diffuse and derail the conversation by being sarcastic and acting as though the conversation their partner is trying to have is not important and should not be addressed. 

These will certainly make it hard for the other partner to communicate their frustrations or feelings. Over time, there is a possibility that these unresolved concerns will continue building up and result in resentment and unhappiness in the relationship.  

8 Reasons Why People Stonewall 

There are several reasons why people engage in stonewalling, these are some of them: 

A defense mechanism.

Stonewalling can be a defense mechanism used when someone feels overwhelmed, threatened, or emotionally triggered. It allows them to create emotional distance and protect themselves from potential emotional pain or conflict.

Avoidance of conflict.

Some individuals stonewall to avoid confrontations or conflicts they find uncomfortable or threatening. They may believe that ignoring the issue will make it go away or that it's the only way to maintain peace.

Emotional regulation.

People may stonewall when they struggle to regulate their emotions effectively. Instead of expressing their feelings and thoughts in a healthy manner, they choose to withdraw and disengage from the situation.

Lack of Communication Skills.

Some individuals may not have the necessary communication skills to effectively express their thoughts and emotions. They may resort to stonewalling as a way of coping with their inability to articulate themselves.

Power and Control.

In some cases, stonewalling can be a manipulative tactic used to gain power and control in a relationship or situation. By withholding communication and affection, the stonewaller can exert influence over the other person.

Fear of Vulnerability.

Sharing your emotions and thoughts can make you feel very exposed and vulnerable. Stonewalling can be an attempt someone uses to protect themselves from being emotionally exposed or hurt.

Learned Behavior.

Some individuals may have learned stonewalling as a coping mechanism from their family or previous relationships. If they observed this behavior growing up, they may use it as a way to cope with difficult situations.

Passive-Aggressiveness.

Stonewalling can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of openly expressing their displeasure or frustration, a person may choose to withdraw and withhold communication as a means of expressing their discontent.

No matter the reasoning behind this behavior, it is not okay and should be addressed and dealt with. 

How to Deal With Stonewalling

Stonewalling can be a harmful and frustrating behavior in relationships and communication because it effectively shuts down the opportunity for resolution, understanding, or compromise.

It often escalates conflicts and can lead to further communication breakdowns and emotional distress between individuals.

Stonewalling often results in: 

• Exacerbated misunderstandings
• Unresolved issues
• Damaged trust and intimacy
• Feelings of isolation and neglect
• Low self-esteem
• A sense of confusion
• Frustration

Addressing stonewalling in a relationship typically involves open and honest communication, empathy, and sometimes seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to work through the underlying issues causing this behavior.

Here are some tips for dealing with stonewalling:

• Stay calm and avoid getting angry.
• Express your feelings in a clear and direct way.
• Don't try to force the other person to talk.
• Set a time to talk later when both of you are calm.
• Seek professional help if the stonewalling is causing problems in your relationship.

Are You Dealing With Stonewalling? 

Obviously, problems are not going to get solved if one or both people choose to ignore the situation - or pretend it doesn't exist at all. Whether this is a defense mechanism, a learned behavior from childhood, or a bid for power and control, stonewalling is not healthy. 

Try using some of these tips for recognizing and addressing stonewalling in your relationship, and don't be afraid to reach out for help from a therapist or trained professional if you are not able to resolve the issue. 

Editor's note: This article was originally published Sep 3, 2023 and has been updated to improve reader experience.

Photo by Kindel Media