Being kind is something we should all constantly strive for.
Yet, people-pleasing takes this to a whole other level — one where you might end up feeling overly anxious, stressed, and emotionally spent.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being kind. Rather, it involves going out of your way to change what you say or how you behave to cater to other people’s reactions and feelings.
Here’s the thing: You actually have no control over other people’s reactions or feelings. And editing yourself can drain you and keep you from being your authentic and real self. Now, what kind of life is that?
In this article, we’re going to determine if you are, in fact, a people-pleaser and how you can stop. From there, you can gain a greater sense of self, fulfillment, and happiness in your life (yes, it’s possible!).
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” - Lao Tzu
Simply put - people-pleasing means you put someone else’s needs first.
While in some situations this can be helpful, doing this all the time can lead to serious self-neglect.
If you keep this up throughout your life, you might never reach your full potential. And when you’re knee-deep in it, it can be hard to recognize the signs.
With that in mind, here are 8 signs you might be a people pleaser:
As a people pleaser, you long for approval and you love to be agreeable. Thus, you might go along with things, even when you don’t necessarily agree. You simply want to make others happy.
Ultimately, this can lead to frustration down the road, as well as flawed ways of doing things.
You might want to slam on the brakes here, because you're probably putting others before yourself. Everyone needs time to relax and have free time. It’s okay to say you need time alone or time to unwind as an excuse to say no.
7 Tips to Help You Learn to Politely Say, “No”
When situations get tense, you apologize and take the hit.
Yet, you aren’t even sure if it’s your fault! Your goal is, essentially, to dissipate any conflict. However, this can lead to not trusting yourself, self-deprecation, and more.
Stick to apologizing when you know what you’ve done wrong and are truly remorseful. This not only makes you more authentic but also leads to increased confidence.
Related Article: Stop Over-Apologizing: Why Saying Sorry Less Can Make You Feel More Powerful
You don’t want anyone to think you don’t care, so you rarely say no. However, this backfires. You're probably feeling exhausted! Additionally, you aren’t setting healthy boundaries, which can lead to you being taken advantage of by others.
Related Article: Do You Say “Yes” When You Want To Say “No”? 5 Tips For Better Boundaries
It’s time to start looking inward rather than outward.
Giving is supposed to be a selfless act. While it truly never is, regardless, your goal with giving shouldn’t be for others to like you. Remember that just because you give, it doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.
Do you have a suspicion that you’re being used?
These are alarm bells going off! You might be too much of a people-pleaser if this is the case. And again, it’s time to set boundaries.
Not getting what you need might be a sure-fire sign that you’re putting everyone else ahead of yourself.
This might lead to bitterness, jadedness, and other serious life struggles. A healthy relationship should go two ways, always.
Are You Struggling With Being a People Pleaser? 5 Ways to Help You Find Better Balance
So, how can you knock it off?
The truth is that a lot of these tendencies come from past trauma and self-esteem issues. But it doesn’t mean you can’t change the path you’re on!
First and foremost, it might help to talk to someone. No, nothing is “wrong” with you. But discussing your struggles with a professional can help you pave a clear path, one where you want your life to go.
In the meantime, you can practice the following habits:
This means assessing why you’re doing the act of kindness in the first place.
Ideally, you should be okay with it.
The truth is that you can’t give your best without feeling your best.
If you aren’t taking care of you’re number one (you), you’re selling yourself and everyone you love short. So, take that time. Indulge for YOU.
Without them, you’re literally inviting people to walk all over you and take advantage of you.
Just because someone asks you to do something, it doesn’t mean you should do it.
Relationships should never be a one-sided thing.
It requires effort from both parties. If you don’t feel you’re getting back the effort you put in (in different ways), it might be time to sever ties.
It might seem unnatural at first.
And that’s okay! It's going to take some practice and time. Yet, finding that balance between kindness and caring for yourself is one of the greatest things you can do. So, make sure to show yourself a little kindness.
Pour some of that effort and energy into yourself. So many great things will come from it!
Read Next: When You’re Struggling With Not Feeling Good Enough, Try This
Editor's note: This article was originally published Nov 20, 2021 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
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I've always suffered from insomnia & have used drugs half my life...until, I stopped working at 60 years old (retired disabled). The processes you mention above are solid ways to get some rest & now I get at least 7 hours a night. I'm working part time in a supermarket now & absolutely love it. I'm not working to survive anymore & love chatting with people!! I'm living on my terms & it's great!
Congratulations, Marguerite! How wonderful that you've found something you enjoy and that you're getting more sleep! All the best to you 🙂
I have a problem trying to please people. Especially one person
We wish you luck on your journey, RoseAnnette. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, as well as others.
Love the article until the end "5 Ways to Stop People Pleasing." I have a feeling you wrestled with it too as "5 Ways to Stop People Pleasing" is actually quite negative.
Maybe 5 Healthy practices for pleasing others that gain respect and build confidence. Something like that, as to me "5 Ways to Stop People Pleasing" says I'm going to teach you to be self centered, and I know that is not what this article was about. Even your five practices at the end are perfect and actually pleasing to others as people can tell when you are trying to hard.