Years ago, I was in a relationship where I tended to take things personally, many of which had absolutely nothing to do with me.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I was dealing with a lot of insecurity and emotional mayhem. I made plenty of things about me, and reacted from a space of woundedness, rather than a space of empowerment.
The good news is I've done a lot of inner healing work since then. I rarely deal with that insecurity anymore, which helps me take things much less personally. I also engage with some spiritual practices that help in this area, such as meditation.
When we interact with people, whether it's loved ones, coworkers, strangers, or acquaintances, many things they say or do will be a direct result of their perspectives and life experiences. Their words, attitudes, or behaviors may have little to nothing to do with us.
If we're not operating from our own sense of peace and security, we're more apt to take things personally.
For example, let’s say my spouse comes home and says to me,
“I feel like everything’s out of control. The house, the yard – there’s so much to do.”
I could respond or react in various ways.
If I respond from a space of harmony and security, I may say something like,
“Whoa. Sounds like you feel overwhelmed, honey. Do you want to talk about it?”
Or, if I’m coming from a space of insecurity or emotional overload, I could flip out and say something like,
“Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me? I just spent three hours cleaning the house and we worked in the yard last weekend! I can’t even believe you’re saying this to me right now!”
In this case, I would be taking it personally.
If you’ve taken things personally, you’re not alone. We’ve all done it at times.
Be gentle with yourself! The good news is you can learn how to take things less personally.
The first thing you can do is pause before making any response.
Take a couple of deep breaths and relax your body. This will help you from going into fight, flight, or freeze mode, which will help you think more from the rational part of your brain.
In addition, here are five mantras you can use to help you in the moment:
Granted, it’s not always about them, but if you’re prone to take things personally, this is one mantra you’ll want to learn.
When you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, where you want to lash out or react harshly, pause.
Think, “This is more likely to be about them”.
This will give you a few moments to gauge what’s going on in your thought life.
This mantra helps me a lot.
It helps me remember to be present and just listen to others without jumping in with some sort of reaction.
You may have a response, but let your wisdom and intuition guide you.
This mantra will help you in many areas of your life.
When you’re feeling valuable and worthy just because you’re you, you are less likely to take things personally.
So, give yourself big doses of this mantra daily. Say it over and over till it gets into the marrow of your bones (metaphorically speaking).
This is the kind of mantra we all need to embody.
You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings or levels of happiness.
We may have been taught that somewhere along our life journey, but we can drop that belief, starting today.
In the same way, we are responsible for our own feelings and level of happiness. That means we shouldn’t pin it on our partners, parents, leaders, etc.
You keep your side of the emotional street clean and let others keep theirs clean.
We can be present and hold space for others emotionally, but we don’t have to feel responsible for them.
A lot of us feel like we have to be perfect, which can certainly cause us to take things personally.
The good news is that you don’t have to be perfect. And, you’re not ever going to be!
(There, I’ve let you off the hook.)
A long time ago, I learned a wonderful phrase from the 12 Step support group community:
“It’s progress we’re after; not perfection.”
It’s even alright to take things personally every so often!
The key is to learn from your experiences and work on making progress in whatever area you desire.
7 Reasons Why Couples Therapy Can Be a Healthy Choice for Any Relationship→
Aim for the kind of perspective that takes things less personally.
In a world where there’s a lot of angry people ready to violently act on a whim, aim to be the kind of person that is centered and empowered with peace and harmony.
It might take some practice, but it’s doable.
I’m living proof.
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5 mantras
awesome advice
taking thigs personally
thank you , i can have a tendency to take things personally sometimes ,especially now with freedom .
Thankyou. That advice really helps
SO happy to hear it Sue! Thank you for the feedback.
Your daily mantras are so helpful, thank you so much really trying to work through and seeing a little glimmer at end of the tunnelXX
This article was exactly what I needed to read
I also take things personally depending on how Im feeling about myself at the time unfortunately reacting instead of responding..... which can make the situation worse
I am working on becoming more responsive using breathing techniques
The Mantra you mention will definitely be a useful tool
Thankyou 😃
That's great Amanda! That's really the best you can do, and it takes a lot of self-awareness to want to grow and improve. It can be really hard NOT to take things personally, but you can do it. The more you believe in yourself, the less it matters what other people say about you. 🙂
From the Netherlands here a message from someone who read your wise words on the exact time I needed this advise. I will read this article a few more times and share with my loved ones. This should be motherly advise to her children who grow up in a world where they should realize it is mostly not personal. Thank you
So happy to have you Fleur! Thank you for saying so, and please share with anyone you think it will help. 🙂
Thank you for your wise words I get up set if people are trying to be in control,and they start to pull me down, example your not doing it right,and you've not pronounce a word right,and you've got to much makeup on.Do I just let them say what they want,or ignore them ??
You have to decide how you allow yourself to be treated Patricia. If you're not sure, ask someone you admire who does this, or is confident in standing up for themselves, or do some more self-analysis and figure out how you want to be. It's normal to feel upset if someone is trying to control you, or is being negative, but YOU can control how you tolerate it or don't. We are wishing you well 🙂
Thank You . I do feel responsible for others happiness for example someone who's feeling lonely etc think it's important to make them feel cared about . Mentally I feel responsible for doing this for people I'm close too. They wld never know as its impossible but takes up alot of headspace & causes feelings of guilt . Refreshing to think I cld look at this differently.
Hi Jane, that's understandable, and that's lovely that you want to be there for people, especially when they are feeling very low. But when you start to feel guilty for not being there, or when you can't get to someone, that's something you might want to look at more closely. Why do you think you feel that way? Where do those feelings or thoughts come from? I have recently begun taking a step back from a similar situation - as soon as I heard of someone in my life who was struggling/worried/upset about something, I would drop everything so I could help them fix it, or try to fix it myself. Yet, I rarely feel like that kind of attention has been given back to me (Not that it has to, but ideally, there is some give and take in a friendship/relationship.) One thing that has helped me stop reacting this way is realizing that I was doing it without them asking me for help, I just wanted to feel like I was helping. Now if I feel the urge to jump in, I ask them, "What can I do to help? Do you need anything?" Often, they are just having a bad day, or wanted to vent. Plus, I realized I wasn't allowing them to help themselves a lot of the time. As you say, looking at things differently can help a lot! Hopefully that helps too 🙂
Hi, confidence evades me mainly because of previous narstic and physical abusive partners, l have been single for three years, working on myself. 6 months ago found a man, turned out to be an egotistical, control freak. Still finding it hard to deal with the break up....my choice. How can I fix my trauma and trust issues?
Hi Lynda, we're sorry to hear you've been struggling with these issues, none of which are easy to go through. Without knowing you and what you have been through, we can't tell you exactly what you need to do here. Have you done any self-reflection work, or read any books on relationships, trust issues, why you may be attracted to these types of people? Or why they are attracted to you? That could be helpful to find commonalities and point you in a direction to work on/reflect on/overcome. Have you ever spoken to a therapist or psychologist about this? Professionals like these are trained to help you work out what may be going on, and can provide tools to help you heal and move forward. We have a helpful article on this if you want to look into it: https://www.dailymotivation.site/10-resources-steps-to-help-you-find-a-good-therapist/. We are wishing you well Lynda, make sure to take care of yourself.
Ienjoy your teaching about the five mantras and will share my thoughts on them with my friends and love ones. Is good to dessociat yourself from people that think they are always right or perfect?