Your Mistakes Don’t Define You: 8 Important Lessons to Learn

Being upset with someone else for making a mistake is one thing, but being upset with ourselves is another.

For a start, it's easy to sleep peacefully if someone else made a mistake. But you probably find yourself laying awake at night, rehashing things over and over when it's you who messed up, right?

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein

Think about it, we most often find room in our hearts to forgive people who make mistakes. We even hope they learn from the repercussions they may suffer.

• So why do we perpetually torment ourselves with our own past?
• Would this be what someone who loves you would want for you?
• Is it something you would want for someone you care about?

Surely, we would want to give them another chance. Surely, we would forgive them and not judge them anymore. This is why we must learn to let the past go, and learn what we can from our experience.

An Extreme Example of Learning From Your Past Mistakes

Have you ever heard of, “Britain’s Greatest Fraudster”?

Tony Sales is now the Chief Product Officer for We Fight Fraud, a company that helps protect organizations from fraud and financial crime. But his road to get there wasn't so straight and narrow.

Tony faced a traumatic childhood, witnessing domestic abuse against his mother, among other things, and being called, "the little tramp" by his peers, both of which were catalysts for him turning to crime as a young child.

From subscription scams and soliciting funds for made up courses, credit card fraud, identity theft and mortgage fraud, Tony made himself a lot of money by getting involved in crime. In his book title, The Big Con: How I Stole £30 Million and Got Away With It, it claims he made about £30 million in his time, or about $38 million USD.

Until his mid-30s, Tony continued a life of crime, going from petty theft to internet fraud, spending the money on flashy cars, vacations and labels. His wife and children had no idea they were on the run with him for a period of almost six years, as Tony avoided an arrest warrant.

A confession and change of mindset

Of course, once he was caught, he had to confess to his wife Lynn, who brought his then ten-year-old son to see him in prison as he served a 12-month sentence. 

Tony, seeing his tearful son, realized that his actions had brought his own son pain - didn't want him to suffer as he himself did as a child. He decided then and there to turn away from a life of crime, and put in a request to join the police's fraud-prevention program.

Despite his past - and all the things leading up to him realizing he didn't want to be that person any more - Tony didn’t throw away his past. He didn’t try to bury it. He didn’t see those days as wasted and worth sweeping under the rug, but rather embraced them.

“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward” – Vernon Sanders Law     

Tony ended up using his criminal knowledge as an opportunity to help other people and businesses protect themselves against fraud and financial crime. 

The takeaway

We all do things we regret, or aren't proud of, even if we didn't steal luxury cars and commit cyber fraud. 

But what we don't focus on nearly enough is the fact that we can all learn from our past. In fact, without regrets and mistakes, there can be no lessons. And unlike school, life often teaches its lessons in a backwards way.        

Your mistake could have been caused by your ignorance or momentary weakness, but whatever the situation, it's important to realize that how you see those mistakes determines how, and to what extent they will affect your life. 

You Are Not Your Past Mistakes

Often, our biggest issue with making mistakes (especially costly ones) is that we attach ourselves to them.

True we make mistakes, but they do not make up who we are. Tony, for example, knew that he had committed those crimes, but he also realized that they were influenced by his background and lack of experience, and so he separated himself from them.    

He didn’t see himself as a “criminal” but as a kid who committed “crimes”. It sounds the same but it is widely different. One associates the crime with who he is, whilst the other disassociates the crime from who he is. 

Because he could see the crimes were distinct from who he was, he was able to free himself from those chains.

Whatever thing you did is not who you are – “you are not your mistakes” – and so you must not allow them to own or define you.     

Your mistakes could have been life’s way of preparing you for something greater. And maybe you just need to overcome the guilt and shame to see the lesson and opportunities it is presenting to you.      

Here are some practical steps you can take to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and break their hold over you.

8 Important Things to Do to Learn From Your Mistakes

1. Acknowledge the mistake(s).

The first step in redefining our lives is telling ourselves the truth.

You must acknowledge that what you have done is wrong and that the repercussions are as expected. Denying, or ignoring this fact is a sure-fire way to get stuck in the past.

2. Accept the consequences.

You have to come to terms with the fact that what has been done, has been done.

You cannot change the past. Depending on the degree and type of mistake you've made, you might have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life. But this too is okay, and must be done – accepting the repercussions of your actions. is part of moving on.

3. Amend your damage(s).

If your mistakes can be corrected, then it is your obligation to fix them.

This could be as simple as:

• accepting responsibility
• going the extra mile to repair what was broken
• or simply apologizing for your mistakes

It is a crucial part of this process of letting go.  

4. Appreciate your mistakes.

Though unsavory, you must also learn not to beat up yourself for your mistakes, but to be grateful that you have made them.

You must appreciate the fact that they have taught you the importance of not repeating them in the future – you have been blessed with “experience” by making those mistake(s).     

5. Appreciate the mistakes you didn’t make.

Why not push things a step further and be grateful for all the other terrible mistakes you didn’t make?

Maybe your mistake would have been worse – like, leading to the loss of life, or destroying an important relationship. But here you are standing, with people willing to forgive and move on.    

6. Accept forgiveness.

The next step is to forgive yourself.

You have to let go of the shame, guilt, and regrets because they were born from ignorance, weakness, or some other factor outside of your control. It is unfair to keep judging your past based on your current knowledge, understanding, and strengths.

In reality, many people have done worse and never looked back, so take comfort in this, and accept forgiveness for yourself.   

Learning about forgiveness: 5 Ways to Forgive (And Find Your Own Inner Peace)→

7. Adhere to your new value(s).

Regret and shame arises when what we did (in the past) is misaligned with what we feel is right (at the present).

This means the only reason we feel regret is because of what we value. In other words, to ensure we don’t repeat such mistakes, we must make sure to outline and adhere to those values strictly.

This is because, if we can truly change our ways, then we can truly forgive ourselves knowing that we are no longer the same person who made those mistakes in the past. This is the greatest secret to letting go. 

8. Aim at the future.

The final step in freeing ourselves from the past is using those lessons to build a better future.

You must turn the lessons and experience into making a better life for yourself. For Tony, this was the point when he finally decides to fight crime, instead of committing it.     

You Are Not Your Past Mistakes!

It’s cliché but it’s true, throughout life you're going to make mistakes, and sometimes, you can't do anything about it.

Most of those mistakes will likely be small. But even with some big or damaging ones, you can treat them the same way – they are all opportunities to learn and become better. Therefore, take comfort, because your past mistakes don’t own and define you, but they can change you for the better.