Are They Emotionally Unavailable? 5 Warning Signs to Protect Yourself

Emotional availability is a crucial yet underappreciated aspect of healthy, successful relationships.

Emotional availability describes the ability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships. - Healthline

Although a partnership may persist, it cannot really prosper unless both people are able to be vulnerable in this way.

But how does someone know if they are emotionally available?

And how can they find out before investing years of their life in something that isn't likely to succeed?

5 Warning Signs They Are Emotionally Unavailable

1. Needs vs. Needy

Emotionally unavailable (EU) partners tend to confuse having needs with being needy.

Every person in a relationship has needs, and successful couples know how to voice theirs and listen to their partner's.

Are you being called out when you ask for any of these things? 

• Being called needy in response to stating your needs
• Having pretty much any emotions at all
• Suggesting intimacy beyond sex
• Requesting quality time
• Reminding them that a partnership means working together, etc.

You need to know that having a negative reaction or calling you needy is typical of EU people and toxic behavior.

Of course neediness does exist in some relationships, but as long as someone's needs and expectations are reasonable and not excessive, willingness to meet these needs comes down to compatibility.

But an unavailable person will try to shut down and shame their partner for having needs and asking them to be met, deterring future requests and alleviating this expectation from the relationship.

Sometimes the toxic partner will admit their significant other's needs are valid, but that they don't have the capacity to fulfill them.

What Does Emotional Invalidation Sound Like? 12 Statements

2. Intolerant of Emotions

Emotionally unavailable people tend to respond to their partner's emotions negatively.

They either:

• become angry and aggressive
• try to shame and guilt their partner out of their feelings
• escape the situation and leave the conversation or location

Most EU people love to call out other people's anger as hysterical, but don't consider their own anger to be an emotional outburst.

They think anger is only an emotion for others. But in any case, if your partner responds to vulnerability, sadness, crying, anxiety, etc. with anger, shame, guilt or abandonment, you've got an EU person on your hands.

3. Shallow and Sheltered

EU partners tend to hold back on their personal details and important information about their past.

They usually:

• resist deep conversations
• shun being vulnerable
• avoid talking about trauma

They may be tolerant of hearing others discuss deeper issues, but won't volunteer their skeletons or secrets no matter how long they've shared their life with someone.

On the contrary, just because a partner does volunteer important information about their past and trauma doesn't always mean they are emotionally available. They can re-write history to favor their side or use it to gain sympathy and manipulate the situation and their relationship in general.

4. Deep Disagreements

In the same vein, emotionally unavailable partners often avoid arguments about real issues.

Fights, conflicts and disagreements may be frequent, but the underlying issues that really need to be discussed are not.

These include:

• Maturity
• Mental health
• Self-control
• Respect
• Values
• Expectations
• Boundaries
• Communication
• Trust 
• Investment in the relationship

Instead of finding solutions to legitimate problems, EU partners often don't fight fair, resorting to screaming, name calling, deflection, blame shifting, low blows, and leaving, or refusing to discuss the issues at all.

5. Emotional Affairs

EU people tend to consider nothing except intercourse with someone other than their partner as cheating.

Non-monogamous arrangements may have more rules around sexual activity outside of the primary relationship, but once boundaries are established they will still often be crossed.

It doesn't matter how flexible and permissive the relationship is, EU partners will find a way and reason to cross boundaries when they can.

Read this next: The Most Common Boundaries You Should Know & Set in Your Relationships

Have a Boundary Conversation Early On

Each relationship is different, but what are considered acceptable and unacceptable interactions with other people needs to be discussed and decided on early in the relationship.

If both partners cannot agree on what cheating is, it is bound to happen and cause further problems down the road; seriously violating one partner and completely dismissed by another.

Emotional availability may seem hard to pin down. We may recognize it when it's there but don't quite know what is missing when it's not.

Someone who is emotionally available is open, vulnerable, honest, mature, secure, and communicative.

They don't run hot and cold, they understand their emotions and make the effort to understand their partner's, they care about what their partner needs, and set reasonable boundaries for themselves and the relationship.

Self-help or professional counseling can help unlock someone's own emotional depth and help them determine early on if a love interest is emotionally available.

Selecting a healthy partner and developing an emotionally satisfying relationship becomes much easier and less dramatic when you know what to look for.

Editor's note: This article was originally published Sep 30, 2021 and has been updated to improve reader experience.

Photo by JESSICA TICOZZELLI