There are a lot of great things that the modern world has made possible.
Faster transportation, huge cities, the internet, and social media. However, that modern world has also led to a series of challenges and issues such as accidents, theft, and ghosting.
Yes, unlike our forefathers who lived in small towns and villages – restricted to commune with only people within trekkable distances – fast transportation, the internet, and social media (in particular) has made it possible to stay in touch with people from distant cities (sometimes halfway across the globe).
Long-distance relationships have never been easier (fixable, and even enjoyable).
And while it is amazing to stay connected with people despite the distance and buzz, it has also become equally possible to lose people. Ghosting is now possible.
Ghosting is when someone you’ve been in close contact with suddenly vanishes – with no trace, a word, or even warning.
It feels almost as though they never existed. Sometimes you could even get blocked from seeing their accounts on social media or get blocked from messaging them. In fact, it sometimes feels as though the relationship never existed before – that maybe you were dreaming.
When you think about it, there is hardly any reason why they should choose to stop speaking with you. You may even start to believe something bad must have happened to them because from all indications everything was great (until it wasn’t).
Just like in the movie, “Reminiscence”, you feel like you deserve some explanation; and the silence – the ghost – drives you insane. All sorts of feelings cloud your mind and judgment. You may feel:
Your ego and self-esteem suffer. And the silence grows louder.
Being ghosted hurts a lot, no matter how tough you are. It hurts particularly because you made yourself so vulnerable to the individual – something that is necessary to establish a meaningful relationship with people.
So, whose fault is it? Yours for exposing yourself? Or theirs for being so insensitive?
Your mind swings between both conclusions. One moment you are blaming them for being immature, and stupid, and lame. But to think that of them would imply that you were to blame for opening up to someone like that.
The next minute you find yourself blaming yourself for being so gullible, and stupid, and vulnerable. Both extremes hurt. Neither helps.
So, how do you cope with the pain of being ghosted?
Let’s face it; whether they informed you or not, you were still going to be hurt – maybe a little less, but hurt nonetheless. So, the answer you seek – the desire to know the reason why they ghosted you – is oftentimes just not worth it.
What you rather need is a plan to rejuvenate your hurt ego and self-esteem. That said, what you need to do is:
The first thing you must do is to stop blaming yourself for the actions of others.
The truth is that not all relationships can work, no matter how nice you are. In fact, it's seldom about you or them, but about your compatibility. This can involve several factors that may be outside the control of both of you – think religion, source of income, distance, genetics, etc.
Don’t numb your hurt by abusing substances – drinking, smoking, etc. – or even eating too much. You must allow yourself to feel your feelings so they don’t come slipping out later in uglier forms.
Comfort yourself. Say nice things to yourself, and maybe, even treat yourself to something nice.
Nourish your body and mind with healthy foods and rich content, respectively.
Keep your body and mind healthy by not allowing toxic food, drink, people or ideas to get into them. Don’t let negativity marinate your psyche.
It is easier to process emotions if you share them with someone who you can trust and someone who genuinely cares – maybe a friend, or family member.
Talking relieves you of the pent-up emotions. It makes you feel understood.
This can remind you that you are loved and accepted.
It might heal the pain, and put the relationship in perspective – you begin to realize that those who matter would never leave, and if they did, maybe they were never meant to be. Maybe it was for the best, and you still have people who care for you.
Practicing some “loving-kindness” meditation can prove to be very effective in both making peace with yourself, and forgiving the other person for the hurt they caused. If done right, you can come to be genuinely happy for both you and the person.
In extreme cases – like the case of the guy in the movie, “Reminiscence” – you might want to seek professional help to process your emotions in a healthy way.
Having bad luck on the relationship front? Read this next: 5 Bad Dating Habits to Detox This Year
You could be ghosted by a date, a friend, or a co-worker, and it is a normal response to feel a bit hurt that things didn’t go the way you expected.
But, you have to realize that most ghosters are also struggling with “something”; and maybe it was best for everyone that the relationship ended sooner rather than later.
Editor's note: This article was originally published Nov 10, 2021 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
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I have begin Ghosted by my best friend of 10 years with out a word she pass my home every day I not knowing that i was been Ghosted Call her to say what happen to you she say not ting
I was ghosted by my childhood friend of over 40 yrs..this devastated me cuz I fell in love with him and he contacted me and I was going through a divorce from my husband for infedelity.Went on 3 yrs long distance.
It's possible she may have heard from others bad mouthing you out of envy or she may have discovered something you may have said or done that crosses her pathway that's hurting her.
What if you are ghosted by adult children of a divorce? My husband reliably paid support, was there on Fridays to pick up for weekends, and to return over the weekend for school activities etc,summers at lake, fun programs in the nearly 4 mths/yr (15 years), paid post SS tuition for courses, baled from debt etc,flew to our cottage for a visit, never knew where they lived or with what girl,(!),tried texting to break the ice but it was all blame and giving me advice, saw at dad's funeral.. .then a few months later he texted him a challenge: one year to tell me 'what is a dad?' so he was insensed at his beligerance at end of year he writes son 'what about a cup of coffee to see if friendship is preferable to 'father' relationship?
Nothing. But he is 38 and now lives with his mother who by the by had no boundaries or discipline, even let him, at 18, share his bedroom with a 14 year old girl (got a letter from her parents!!) etc etc etc
I am being ghosted by a friend, a real nice friendship for almost 9 years, until last year we started to have sporadic intimacy. Its almost
2 months since I have not heard from him, no text, no answer to my calls, I made 2 of them. I worry if he is OK healthy wise, problems with his job, his 2 boys. He is divorced and younger than me.
Maria Perez
I ghosted someone for my own safety and sanity. The person may or may not look at themselves to figure out why and that is not my responsibility. There are other sides to the ghosting thing. The person being ghosted needs to take an honest look at themselves too , because there could be a reason and the ghostee is in denial.
Absolutely Opal, we don't know every situation and why. Ghosting may be a necessary thing to protect yourself, as you say. Or sometimes, you try and try to talk about concerns or issues and the other person just doesn't or won't respect your words or boundaries, and aren't likely to change their behavior, or it becomes a safety issue and you just need to remove yourself. We should always look in the mirror when faced with adversity to take our responsibility in what happened, but we also have to find a time to make peace and find closure if the other person didn't or couldn't give it to us.
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to be ghosted, and yes it sucks, especially when we are invested. And while we may have our flaws I hope we all remember that being ghosted is not about us but about the others persons response to us. And that we can’t control.
So we process the hurt and then hopefully move on with some wisdom (I know, easier said than done).
It is easy to ghost, you're right. And we don't know why people do this, there could be a million reasons. If you can truthfully say you can't think of any reason someone would ghost you, then yes, it's about the other person and we may never get a reason why. Which is terrible, because knowing can give us closure, whether we agree or not. If you can move on with gained wisdom, then I say good for you! 🙂
I don’t see anything wrong with putting boundaries up, but is shows me someone is a coward if they fail to tell the reasons for ghosting. It leaves the other person second guessing and possibly never growing if there is some character traits that need work. Just not cool at all ghosting close friends or family without giving valid reasons why. That’s my opinion anyway.
It really isn't cool Yvonne. I think if we have made efforts to be open-minded and show that we encourage feedback, in any relationship, then, yes, it's a hurtful, missed opportunity when you ghost someone. Breaking up with someone has never been easy - but people used to do it face to face! And those of us who have had it happen, or had to break up with someone, no it wasn't easy, but it was part of your responsibility to the other person you cared about. At least that's how I looked at it. Sometimes, as other readers have said, we don't know the reason why they ghosted, but it always hurts. For some people, they don't know how to communicate big feelings, or have had past trauma, or they may even think it's easier to ghost than to be honest about why they are doing it. My personal opinion is also that I would rather know - even if it means my ego takes a huge hit - than to be left in the dark.
I agree with Yvonne 100%. If the relationship no longer works for you, do not just disappear. Let the other person know how you feel and why. Allow them the closure that you, being in the know, will already have. The only exception to this general rule would be if it was a relationship (friendships included) in which you were fearful of your safety.