I’ve Burned Some Diary Pages: Here’s Why

Do you ever just get in “a mood”? 

I mean the kind of mood that comes from out of nowhere and your mind won’t shut up with its self-criticism, loathing, and judgmental accusations. Thoughts like:

I’m such a loser.

Why won’t anything go right for me?

Why do I even try?

Do others struggle as much as me?

Why do people have to be such idiots?

Does anyone really care?

What the heck is this life all about?

You know, that mood.

I have had superhero days when I’m flying high on clouds of strength, confidence, and smiles.  Nothing could go wrong, I feel good, and my passion and drive are soaring. 

I have also had days in which my feet didn’t want to hit the floor, a dark cloud wrapped itself around my head while I was sleeping, incessant negative thoughts stampeded my mind, and I felt like giving up.

Those are the days I feel like writing in my journal.  The days when life isn’t making sense, the work isn’t coming in, people are not acting the way I want them to, the relationship is struggling, and so on.  I don’t know why I tend to write more when I am in a rotten mood or hurting. I mean, shouldn’t I be writing too on the days where life feels glorious?

I’m a big fan of journaling or keeping a diary. It can be therapeutic. However, sometimes I write and then look back and think, “No way do I ever want my kids reading that when I’m gone.”

So, I’ve burned a few pages of my diary over the years. Or, hit the delete button.

Occasionally “the mood” comes, or a period of a few days. I don’t know why.  I have learned to do my best to write things out instead of calling up someone to vent (because they are probably like “Wow. Girl, you need help.”

But I have learned that “the mood” passes.  I might be in some weird or delusional thought life for a day, but the next day it is usually gone.  If it stays, I know how to get past it. I know what speakers I have to listen to, what music to pop in, what chapters I need to read, or who I need to talk to, but the knowing that it will pass is priceless.

This makes me feel for those who live in a constant state of “the mood”. Those who struggle with consistent negativity, depression, self-loathing, doubt, fear, and more.

I used to live in these states most of the time. I felt trapped. Buried beneath the earth unable to feel and see the Light.  I spent too many years battling my own shadows and undeniable pressure from our culture. 

You know how I got out? 

Little by little I clawed my way out.  Inch by inch I carved my way through the cesspool of dirt, grime, filth, and awful stench.  Day by day I held onto a smidge of hope that there was happiness somewhere beyond the darkness. 

I cried. I vowed. I began an inner healing journey.

I prayed. I sat quiet. I walked the nature trails. I contemplated.

I listened to the happy, positive people, memorized uplifting quotes, and took some action. I did some things differently, waited some things out, learned by trial and error.  

You can too, you know.  Little by little, day by day, inch by inch.

Things are not always as bad as they seem. And, if they are super bad, know that in time, they can get better. I learned to find gratitude in the simple things, like the breath that keeps me alive or the family that loves me unconditionally.

These days, I don’t typically burn or delete my journal pages – only a select few. Typically, the ones where I rant and rave like a madwoman simply for the sake of feeling, expressing, and integrating some heavy emotions.  The ones I just don’t think I’d like anyone else to get their hands on.

Still, there are plenty of diary entries that are real, raw, and simply authentic. After all, life is messy and it can be extremely painful at times.  Getting things on paper can help you feel and express the energy associated with the emotions.  This can help your overall psyche health, for sure.

What about you?

Have you ever written something in your journal or diary and then deleted or tore it up? Have you ever looked back and thought, “Whoa, who was it writing that entry?”

Know that all of it’s alright. The days your up and the days you’re down, the thoughts that are great and the thoughts that are not-so-great – it’s all part of life’s journey.  Learning to accept and love ourselves flaws, moods, and all, is simply part of it.

I know that’s my aim.

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