Pointing fingers is easy. Taking responsibility, on the other hand, is really, really hard.
At some point or another, you might have found yourself stuck in the middle of the blame game (maybe you’re in the middle of this right now). Perhaps neither you or your partner wants to take responsibility. Or maybe you’re fed up; you feel like they never take responsibility for their side of events.
Here’s the thing: As soon as you start pointing fingers, everyone loses. There are no winners in the blame game.
In fact, taking responsibility shows the other person how they should behave too. Sometimes, we’ve just got to go first. And yes, it might not be ideal. But you should always exemplify the behavior you want to see.
Eckhart Tolle has stated, “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.”
The world you see is the way you create it. Let that sink in for a second.
The blame cycle tends to happen when we struggle to internalize and take responsibility for our own actions and feelings. We're trying to find anything external to attach our feelings to, which never really works out well.
You might constantly blame others for how your life has turned out. And given, there are some things that are out of our control. Yet, at the end of the day, it always comes back to you. If you want things to change, you have to be the first to do the changing.
In fact, this might take some serious digging into your own past, and even childhood. So, what should you do?
Blaming is largely something individuals use as a protective mechanism. It’s really painful to realize something is your fault, especially if you aren’t happy with the outcome. Instead of looking outward, look within:
And yes, sometimes, some serious therapy is needed to fully get to the bottom of it. No one necessarily escapes trauma in childhood. We all just learn to cope in different ways, and some are better than others.
Everyone has a side and perspective. Everyone has feelings. And when someone truly cares about you, they don’t mean to hurt you (Usually! Inevitably, there are exceptions to this.).
In other words, drop the ego. Put down your sword. Strive to understand. It might feel like you’re doing something wrong, but understanding someone else’s point of view is one of the best things you can do.
It can help you break down walls of assumptions and come to a common ground where blame has no place.
Related Article: Empathy: What Is It? Why Is It Important?
It takes two to tango.
Arguments rarely involve one person. Before pointing fingers, try to look inward and ask yourself where you could improve. What could you have done better? Usually, there’s something! None of us are perfect.
Let’s drop the “you-against-me” attitude and instead try to decipher the problem.
What is the actual problem?
How can you tackle it as a team as opposed to opposing team members?
Related Article: Happy Relationships Take Work: Are You Really Doing Your Share?
Emotions run high! And it’s okay to get upset.
But it’s how you manage it that matters the most. If you find you’re too heated to try to see where you could improve or how you can take responsibility, take a break. Take a second and cool off.
When you do this, it can help to write all those awful things about the other person. Once you let that out, try to look at the problem from the other person’s perspective, then write down three to four solutions where you can do better next time.
While using the above can help when blame takes centerstage, here are a few more tips:
When you give others control of your happiness by using blame, you’ll find it really difficult to be happy.
In fact, you’ll often feel quite the opposite and you’ll likely frequently feel out of control. Instead, take back your power. Look at yourself and try to focus on changing you over changing overs. You’ll be surprised how quickly things start to go your way when you do!
Read Next: The Victor and Victim Mindset & How to Flip the Script to Take Back Control
Editor's note: This article was originally published Apr 29, 2022 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
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These are great thoughts for neurotypical partners. I have found in a neurodiverse marriage, the one who is neurodiverse blames and when the neurotypical partner takes the blame, it continues to be dished out freely.
Thank you Miriam, we are going to do an article inspired by your comment to dig further. We appreciate your response!
Fully agree with this scenario.
But what about the opposite?
When you always think to be the faulty part and the blames are always toward yourself?
It is hard to avoid to criticize oneself and forgive our behavior, maybe more than doing the same with others.
Curious: Is your viewpoint based upon the authority of a professional diagnosis of your partner as "neurodiverse" or are you labeling that person based on the expertise of internet research or personal critic? (A subtle way of blaming them for communication cues you are missing?) Perhaps his arrow sharp logical onetrack male mind overloads from the barrage of erratic data spit out by your female hormone/emotional multichannel processor. "Normal" guys clearly understand woman's minds!
Define "average" neurotypical? All humankind is a diverse blend of God given abilities, talents and gifts dispersed in varying degrees within each individual. The relationship skills listed above are healthy suggestions to break the pattern rather than dishing it back at one's partner. Both get muddy. Forgiveness and extending grace in helping them positively address their root feelings or issues is likely to de-escalate and lead to better outcomes - for both of you - as the article suggests.