Trying to Fix Someone Else? 4 Helpful Thoughts to Consider

We’re all trying to live a life where we experience more peace and joy.

This is the main reason we do the things we do each day, because we think those things will help us feel better.

But what about when people we know show up hurting or feeling like they are broken?

• What do you tend to do?
• Do you brush them off, not knowing how to contend with the negative vibes?
• Or do you roll your sleeves up, ready to get to work fixing them?

We all run into situations where a loved one is struggling. Maybe they’re struggling with a broken heart over a breakup. Or they’ve lost their job. Or maybe they’re dealing with anxiety or depression. The reality is that life can get messy for all of us.

But there’s something to be said about learning how we can best show up and support those who need help. Often, people will go into “fix it” mode.  And, though they mean well, some will take it too far, sacrificing themselves and their own happiness level in an attempt to fix someone else.

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Natural Care Givers Must Be Careful

If you’re a natural care giver, you’ll probably have to watch yourself when it comes to going out of your way to “fix” others.

Yes, nurturing and being present for those who are hurting or struggling is important and valuable. We should certainly aim for this.

However, natural care givers must continually tune into their own wants and needs to be sure they’re taking care of themselves before trying to save others.  Let’s face it: The lifeguard that does not care for herself may not have the strength to save anyone that is drowning. Therefore, it’s vital to put self-care first.

For example, I have experienced a situation where my adult child was going through some challenges, and I wanted to help them so badly that I tried my best to fix their problems.

Despite my hard work, I ended up feeling exhausted and disappointed because my child didn't seem to be making any progress. Later on, I realized that all they really needed was time to figure things out on their own.

Opportunity for Growth

A great way to help you remember that it’s not your responsibility to fix others is to understand that when someone is facing a trial or suffering, it can be their opportunity for growth. 

That trial or tribulation or unhealed wound that keep them stuck can be a prop for them to learn valuable lessons about themselves, others, and life in general.

If you swoop in there and “fix” them or the situation, then you’re not allowing them to get the lessons that they may be needing to get. You’re giving your power away and you’re taking their power from them – a lose-lose situation.

Show Up as Support

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be there as support for others. 

In fact, we should all readily show up to give love and support to those in need. But it’s how you show up that matters. If you go all in with the thought, “I’ll fix this”, then you may end up sacrificing your own happiness trying desperately to fix someone else.

If you show up attaching your happiness level to the outcome, again, you may end up struggling yourself.

However, if you can learn to show up as support in a healthy way, you’re more apt to stay aligned with your authentic self and provide the kind of help that person needs. A great way to start showing up without feeling the compulsion to fix is to simply listen to the person who is struggling.

Active Listening

Just listen. Don’t go into “fix it” mode. Don’t let your mind start racing with thoughts about how you can save the day. 

Rather, listen attentively and go within.

• Take a deep breath.
• Let that person know that you hear them.
• Thank them for sharing with you.

Then, simply ask, “How can I support you? What is it you want or need from me in this situation?”

As a parent to my adult children, I had to learn the value of listening, rather than immediately offering advice.

It was a challenging transition because when my children were young, it was my responsibility to fix things for them. However, as they grew older, I had to let go of control and allow them to learn how to deal with their own issues.

I realized that giving them the opportunity to grow and learn on their own was crucial for their development. Now, my role has shifted to actively listening and offering advice only when asked.

Whose Responsibility Is It?

This puts the ball in their side of the court, rather than you going into automatic “fix it” mode. Then, if they make a request, don’t just blurt out, “OK! I’m on it!”

Pause. Take it to heart.

• Is what they’re asking your responsibility as a loved one?
• Or is it theirs? 
• If you oblige, are you enabling? 
• Or is it healthy support?

See, it’s helpful to become more aware of what’s yours and what’s theirs. 

Showing up in unconditional love is something we all can do, and sometimes that means just sit and listen. Other times, it might mean telling someone some truth that might not be easy to hear. Your task is not to “fix” anyone. However, I understand this is all a learning process.

Trying to Fix Someone is Probably Not in Either of Your Best Interests

Do your best to focus on what you have control over – yourself.

If you want to experience more peace and happiness, practicing self-care first is essential.

Go ahead and show up and nurture others, but in a way that empowers you and them.

This is healthy relationship living at its finest, and this is my hope for you.

Photo by Anastasiya Gepp